The Lazlo Report

Hello, who’s there? Hhmm wrong number

2007-03-30T06:22:00.000-05:00

Imagine picking up the telephone fifteen times a day and there’s no one on the other side; that’s what I do on an every day occurrence and it isn’t funny anymore. I’m a member of IMDB and I recommend that if you’re in the industry that you join. However that’s not what I’m writing about today in today’s blog.

I’ve had a few and another hypothesis of why my ears ring is that when I had all my teeth pulled out, about five years so much as I can remember, but I have had molars pulled every year for years; isn’t it possible that the jarring of the scull can effect this in some way and that because I have numbed the jaw with alcohol and the sound goes away instead of a shot of Novocain into the eardrum which only lasts for as long as the drug (not a cure) that alcohol can be used as a form of stimuli to the brain and the ringing in the ears will go away if used in the correct way; maybe a patch under the denchers with a high amount of the stuff so it soaks in but the person doesn't get drunk.

I think that I am onto something here and want to write to the American Journal of Medicine but how can one explain to them that you should treat an ailment with booze. For one, I do not recommend that anyone take up drinking the alcohol. I personally would spit it out since I don’t drink, EVER. I stopped drinking several years ago after becoming an alcoholic. Its dangerous stuff and for adults only, however if it’s a cure for tinnitus then I’m all for it.

Next, how would you deal with kids? You certainly wouldn’t want them to say that they hear ringing and therefore give them a bottle of Jack and say “don’t swallow”. That would give them a foul stool, a bad case of the blues; not to mention a really bad law suit for mom and dad.

Seriously, I haven’t even talked to my Doctor about this but intend to do just that. I actually have two to three doctors right now, depending on how you look at things, so I am trying to decide which one to talk to. I could talk to my spine doctor and I’m sure he’ll take a look. I can talk to my family doctor too. Finally I can talk to the hearing specialist who is the one who catches my ear, so to speak, since he’s an ears-noses and throat doctor but they all would make an enormous bill making it impossible for me to hear what’s coming out of any of their mouths for the rest of my life.
I could talk to any one of them and run up a bill but instead I think I will just sit home and dream; dream of a head that doesn’t ring, doesn’t ring to the sound of so many songs.

That’s The Lazlo Report for March 30, 2007

Dion Cole

2007-03-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

Check out the new comedian on the comedy channels lately, his name is Dion Cole. He’s just as funny as Dave Chepelle and just as irreverent as Stephen Wright.

That's the Lazlo Report for March 28th, 2007

Wally Mart

2007-03-27T07:45:00.000-05:00

One of my greatest times of the month is going to the store in which you can find just about everything that one might need for your home, your garage or your yard. I talking about Wal-Mart and we have one about twenty minutes away. Our’s is in Van Wert next to Pet Co. and a really bitchen Chinese place so after spending a shitload of money that we didn’t have in the first place we can always go visit the puppies and then sit down for some really good food.

The reason for going to Wally Mart is simple; low low prices and quantity shopping. I mean it’s not like we’re going to a bargain basement or anything but you always manage to find a pretty good deal on just about anything that you’re looking for at a pretty good price and the people that work there are pretty cool too.

Don’t even get me started on Lowe’s because the people that work there are idiots. They couldn’t find a one inch nail if you drew them a picture and gave them the scu number. Now the ladies that work the registers are ok so I wont rag on them but the rest of the staff are about as smart as dirt clods. I digress

My wife and I go to Wal-Mart probably twice a month, sometimes less, to pick up supplies for the house and when I say supplies I mean SUPPLIES! Everything from water to toilet paper and paper towels, we buy allot of stuff when we go to Wally Mart. We also have our secret recipe things that we pick up while we’re there and while I can’t tell you what they or it is, I can tell you that I can now make….. oh shit my wife is hitting me in the arm right now telling me that she’ll cut off my right one if I give out the secret.
(Taco-Bell Tacos “For Real”)

The corporation is ran by Lee Scott, CEO and probably other titles that I’m unaware of but this guy really knows how to run the show and since coming aboard has transformed Wal-Mart into a prosperous company that gives millions to the needy and billions to his employees in the way of compensation. He doesn’t have to but he just does. That’s what has made this company so successful in today’s market and the boneheads that don’t understand it are just plain stupid.

It’s quite simple; take an impoverished area and build a Wally mart. Employ about 1500 people at around $12.50 an hour (not including benefits) now while the take home pay is a little higher than let say McDonalds the person that works there can go our and buy their own health insurance IF they want to OR they can use the insurance of their spouse which some people have. For the young people, like 18yrlds, most of them live at home and need to learn what health insurance is anyway.

Then there are other employees that are full timer’s and they do have benefits. Although their bring home pay is much lower than the part-timer’s it’s because they are hired in at a lower rate of pay. There’s no way to pay someone 12.50 an hour AND give them benefits and make a profit in today’s market; there’s just no way. Watch Lee’s interview today on Neil Cavuto on Fox News to get the real inside scoop on this.

I am just telling you the way it is in the real world and it’s the plain truth. Kids today have to learn how to grow up. They need to learn how to choose which insurance company is best for them, not what company the company they work for should choose for them. Insurance is a gratuity not a right.

My wife works for a huge bank here in Ohio and without insurance we would be screwed. However, her employer offers the employees insurance “IN LIEU OF” pay. That means they have to forfeit part of their paychecks to receive this benefit, it’s not free. People always think that insurance is something that companies give you for free but they don’t; it costs you part of your paycheck.

I owned my company Corwin Electric for fourteen years and I didn’t offer insurance to anyone. What I did offer however was $12 to $25 an hour to the people that worked for me because not only wee they worth it but because if they wanted health insurance they could go out and buy it with that high of wages. It’s that simple. And even if I was paying minimum wages, and I never did, I would have only done so for a ditch digger for a day laborer and that’s it, just a one day guy. However I paid those guys $12 an hour too; digging a ditch is hard frigging work.

For all he’s doing I’ll continue to shop there. One of the things that I bought that I’m getting ready to use right now that I bought at Wal-Mart is my Shop-Vac. This baby could suck the hair off of a bald headed toupee salesman that isn’t wearing one. It cleans everything that I put it to test to and even things that I don’t ask it to. I’m not sure what that means but it works great.

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 27, 2007

More on Idol Trouble

2007-03-27T04:51:00.000-05:00

In further investigation I have found that there is a website that I am NOT going to post at my blog to perpetuate the on going problem of voting for the worst singer therefore messing up what used to be my wife’s program called American Idol.

So it seems a bunch of degenerates have gotten together to see if they can vote for the worst singer possible and therefore screw up the odds of the better singers just as they did last year and voted in the gray haired crooner called Taylor Hicks. This guy’s records sales are so bad that even William Hung has sold more CDs than him.

Speaking of Taylor Hicks; Hicks seems to think that his style of music is just what America want to hear and I’m sorry old bean but your style went out with Billy Joel and “The Boss” Personally I hated The Boss (Bruce Springsteen) and other crappy – sappy songs like Freebird too. Hicks was and still is nothing but a lounge singer and the judges tried only to save face for the people of the country to try and let other’s know that we’re all not stupid.

But this is an orchestrated plan to make everyone in the country look stupid and if this isn’t just clear evidence of one more time than I don’t know what is. Simon Cowell has said in plenty of forums that if a “certain someone wins”, and we all he’s talking about Senjyahya, that he will not be returning next season.

In my opinion he is the Executive Producer of the show and he change the rules if wants to. Why not come up with a new system that makes it that to vote you have to be a member of the American Idol website, you have to log on to vote and you have only one vote PER PERSON.

OR. Everyone can call on the telephone but a computer checks the number and/or IP address that it’s coming from and limits it to ONE VOTE per call. No more calling in over and over as many times as you want and we can let the best man or woman win, not some little dweeb with a planted crying girl in the audience. They may not be able to say that “Thirty Million People Called in to Vote” but who cares!!! It’s just a TV show and people will still watch. It still gets a 9 point rating in the ratings, that’s killer; that’s better than the President gets on most of his speeches.

(In layman’s terms: 9% of all TV’s on are watching American Idol rather than anything else when it’s on, I’d say that’s pretty good)

So the conclusion is simple, loose the automated programs that doing all of this bogus voting or we loose a pretty nice show that started out to give talented people a chance to make it in the world like Kelly Clarkston and a few others. Once it got to Ruben Studdard I even though to myself, being a guy that weighed in at 385 pounds, who the hell aspires to be that large no matter how good your voice is. And then we got into the Disney boy and little girls thinking he was so cute; HEY! The kid from Texas was far cuter and it was not America’s choice at all. Last it got to Hicks and that was the last straw. If it turns out that these people try this shit again then Simon and the other Producers have to so something and fast before the season is over or there won’t be a next season.

One more suggestion from my wife who’s right next to me and is an avid fan and would join in a flash: If necessary, make it so that only members of the Idol Website can vote and each vote costs $0,50 and also every vote is tied to the IP address from which voter from which it came from so that we know who is voting for who, TOTAL TRANSPARENCY.
My wife is a pretty smart woman and that’s why she keeps me around.

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 27, 2007

The Lazlo Report: He's a Maniac and he is Al Gore

2007-03-25T07:48:00.000-05:00

The Lazlo Report: He's a Maniac and he is Al Gore

He's a Maniac and he is Al Gore

2007-03-24T23:47:00.000-05:00

It’s fever he a maniac

Go ahead, hum the song; Al Gore, our former Vice President actually came up with the idea that our planet has a fever. What the fuck is he talking about? Our planet not only doesn’t have a fever but his whole theory of Global Worming is starting to sound like a ploy.

The real truth is that our sun, you know that big ass star that keeps us warm every day, hasn’t been so warm in 8,000 years and is now coming into another cycle in which it gets hotter on the earth. Every planet in our solar system is also getting warmer too. They don’t mention that in their presentation either. So are there humans on Mars driving big rigs and spewing out carbon dioxide there too? No it’s the Sun! It’s a combination of the two and MR. Gore conveniently suppresses that portion of the news.

The ploy that I am talking about is that he doesn’t think that humans, or more precise Americans, are part of the solution. So he wants the text books to be changed to say that WE, humans, are the problem and not the solution. That is the way that socialists and other Europeans think and people like movie stars can take that way of thinking and stick it up their ass.

It was that sort of thinking that made us leave England over 230 years ago and I’ll be damned if a bunch of mambie pambie socialistic tree huggers are going to change this Country into another France. France doesn’t even have a decent Marine Corp that can land on a beach without getting stuck in the mud whiles our men and women our getting killed in the name of Freedom in Iraq.

Freedom is not cheep and we have paid for it dearly; with our pain, with our dollars and with our men and women’s lives. For these people to come in and to change the rules mid stream is a travesty not only to our men and women in the field but to our Nation as a whole. Oh, I’m not saying anything that you haven’t heard before but it needs to be said over and over again.

The best Presidents that we have ever had have figured out that to succeed in office that they must understand that our forefathers stood with Jesus Christ and that they must do so themselves. Look at the denigration of our morality in the nation when Clinton was in office and when Bush became President he became a born again Christian because he understood that his forefathers we so entrenched in Christianity. Now look at the morality of the nation and tell me it hasn’t changed. But I digress

The planet may even be cooling and we don’t even know it. For all we know the iron that some very smart scientists have put into our oceans may have cooled down the waters and their plan may even work; we don’t know. There are several plans in the works but many of them are just nutty; this one however isn’t and it’s about creating microscopic marine plants in the Southern Ocean that may have played a pivotal role in the Earth's climate during past ice ages, explained Mark Brzezinski, professor of biology and deputy director of the Marine Science Institute at the University of California, Santa Barbara. These are some of the plans that are coming from the award winning, Nobel Prize Winning scientists in the scientific community but on the other hand no one else seems to have a better plan other than the Al Gore’s of the world so I am going to have to go with these guys.

Actually some of their plans aren’t all that far fetched such as putting a large sun block of sorts over the ice caps but to do so it would take monumental work on the world space community and I doubt that everybody would help, especially France. They just want the USA to go away. But if we had twenty space shuttles with supplies to build curtains with solar panels on them and a basic vinyl in between, we could probably build something in the magnitude of the size of the State of Texas.

It will take people allot smarted than me to figure all of this out but I’ll bet a dollar to a doughnut that I’m right and that this one may work. I’ll also bet that the iron in the ocean, building small tiny plants will turn out to be quite the big news in the future and that this will be our children’s new hope.

Well that’s the Lazlo Report for March 24, 2007

Bartender Beaten

2007-03-23T06:38:00.000-05:00

In the days of Al Capone the was a saying that “you can get more with a smile and a gun than with just a smile”; well in today’s world that has changed into a fist. The other day an off duty Copper beat the shit out of a 25 year old bar tender in a down town bar called Jessy’s Down Town Beat.

As it turns out this police officer is connected to the mob somehow and had someone go into the bar and offer this young lady some money not to prosecute. They also went in and tried telling her that if she said anything that they would plant drugs in her car and the car of the bar owner. What the fuck!

Has Chicago gone too far or what? Is the state of the Country going south and has the morality of the Country gotten to the brink of breaking down? I think that whether they are Republicans or Democrats, and the latter of the two are the worst, that there are corrupt people in all sectors of our government. We need to find them and get them out. Finding them is harder than it sounds.

I know that this sounds harsh but since President Clinton and him getting his dick sucked in the Oval Office, the morality in the country has started to go down hill. We need to do things to change this. Believing in a God is NOT a bad thing. Being told that man is destroying this planet is not the solution to our problems. We can fix the problems of the world if we stick together and work as one people and one Nation Under God as our Forefather wrote so many years ago. America is a good place and we are good people with good intentions.

God bless America.

I hope that the Bartender gets better and that she prosecutes to the fullest extent of the law. She deserves that. These thugs that perpetrated the crime need to go to jail and it’s this reporter’s opinion hat organized crime may have it’s place in places like the crap hole town that I live in since some of the Coppers (not all, just about 5%) here can be bought off is you can offer enough money to their special pedestrian funds or the Just Say No programs but I’m a realist and I fail to prescribe to that sort of intimidation.

No, sorry folks, for me I’ll stick with Jesus Christ and the righteous crusade that he was making before people just couldn’t handle his message on taking care of each other. Knowing humans though I’m sure that someone will have already figured out how to make buck on that and pushed Jesus out of hat too and that someone will have already figured out how to charge money for the services.

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 23, 2007

A Life In The Day

2007-03-19T22:35:00.000-05:00

A day in my life usually starts with me waking up to the sounds of my wife getting ready for work. She starts this ritual around 6:30 am but the alarm has been going off for about a hour. The dog has also been trying to wake us up, or her shall I say, by using his nose to nestle in between the sheets and put that cold old thing on her as she tries to sleep; me I’m already half awake but I’m trying not to appear so because Joe our dog will come straight over to me.

As she’s dressing Joe tears at her cloths as a sort of a tug of war game and although she always wins he always adds an extra twenty minutes to her getting ready for work too. Next, after she’s kissed me good-bye Joe sets his sights on me and is fully active in the “I’ve got to wake them all up” department of his life. He gets me up between 8:30 and 9:00 depending if I had a bad day the day before and on his more generous days he seems to think that having wet paws is a blessing that I think is funny. Well I don’t Joe and if someone is reading this to you then please stop it.

I always have time in the morning for a little love for Joe using my hands and sort of cooing him; going back and forth using the back of my hand to make sure that he doesn’t bite me and just sort of petting him and rubbing the under side of his chin. He seems to like that and so do I.

I taught him two games since having so much time alone one of which is called “Catchin-dee-Air”. All you have to do is to put a rhythmic sound to it as I did and any dog can learn it; bee-bop sort of. “I take the ball and throw it and you catch it in the air, if you wanna play the game then you catch it in the air”. Just put it to music as I did and your dog will love it too, well maybe, I don’t know mine did.

Another game that I play with Joe in the mornings is Underdacovers. I put the same rhythmic sounds to playing this game and he seems to go crazy over what is under the covers, which are just my hands. He thinks it’s some sort of spider but its fun for the both of us.

By noon my day has taken form of what may seem to be the good life to many but to me I am bored shitless just having two dogs and an occasional phone call to talk to. Oh I write my blogs and I build web sites which is more than a lot of people do with their lives when on Disability in this day and age but I used to do so much more within a day that I almost feel obligated to do more, hmm…guess not.

Anywho, I check in with my wife and she always brightens my day with her telling me something about how her day is going or her telling me that I have to do something around the house, almost like orders for the day. It feels good to be needed ya know. So by 2:00 I am again task-less and looking forward to her arrival at around 5:pm but still thinking of her as I do almost every day.

Just about ten minutes before then, or before she gets home, both dogs go outside toward the back gate which is where we come in the house and they both sit and also wait on my wife. It’s funny to watch them do this every day. They hear the sound of her car engine as it rolls over the railroad tracks two blocks away and both come a whoppin and a hollerin, running throughout the house, nipping at every stuffed animal within an inch of it’s life. Now Joe, our small Cocker, has a problem with his piddlen everywhere and he gets pee all over the place when he gets excited. So here he is zipping around the house making little spots of pee everywhere when she isn’t even home. Needless to say that when she gets home I have to carry a couple of paper towels around and the both of us keep to the kitchen where there is linoleum until he calms down.

Meanwhile Crazy and Crazier are tearing around the house digging out every stuffed animal that I spent part of the day putting away and making pit stops into the kitchen to tinkle on our feet. We kiss and talk about how our days went.

After the dooters calm down my wife proceeds to change cloths and Joe is on the ready to help out again. He stands ready on the bed and as she disrobes he attacks he garments and shakes them violently. His favorite of course is her bra because of the Velcro or the elastic but none the less he runs around the house with it and if the neighbors ever came over at that moment it would be quite the scene.

Like most people my evenings are filled with a nice dinner, maybe some love making and that’s IF the dog doesn’t interrupt us, and then we’ll watch a movie or some TV. Very rarely do we ever fight and never do we go to bed mad at each other. This has been the success of our 22 year marriage and I am looking forward to writing another one of these columns on or at about our 50th anniversary.

I’ll tell ya, a day in my life may sound boring to some, it may sound exciting to others, it may even sound cliché, but to me it just sounds like just another day.

Such is the life of Terry L. Corwin aka Lazlo T. Hofstedder

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 20, 2007

Valerie Plame is a what

2007-03-16T12:42:00.000-05:00

Valerie Plame finally talked today and I have been waiting to weigh in myself.

She says that she’s an agent for the US Government; oh yeah, she’s an agent, an for the Democrats and the Democratic Ticket willing to do anything and say anything so smear the President in this day and age.

She said that she didn’t send her husband to Africa to see who was buying Yellow Cake; (yellow cake is a form of low grade uranium mostly found near Niger) Well while I don’t have any evidence disputing thing I wouldn’t put it past the spies within our own government not to have had her send her husband as part of her “other job” and in doing so it was just a ploy to hurt the President regardless of how you look at it. She was used as a pawn like any other.

Understanding this whole game that they play there in Washington isn’t as hard as one might think. All you need is a vast collection of movies dating back to the 1930’s and a mind that will allow you to disconnect from reality when you need to. The people and players of these games are as real as the games that they play and Valerie Plame, while she may be a hottie to some, is just a bitter, Bush bashing blond with a new pink wardrobe hitting the circuits on Friday and no one is listening.

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 16, 2007

The Inconvenient bull

2007-03-15T06:31:00.000-05:00

The Inconvenient Truth My Round American Butt

The Inconvenient bull, a pseudonym I came up with for the name of the movie made by the former Vice President of the United States who in his movie starts off by introducing himself by saying that he was our next former President WHICH HE WASN’T! Dude, you didn’t win, get over it, or is it Tipper crying every night saying “I wanted to be another Jackie”. Oh that woman gives me the heebie-jeebies with her putting content stickers on CDs and DVDs; what’s next Tipper, burning books?

I was sort of sympathetic to his cause to a point until it came it came to the part about the election in Florida in 2000. Now what the hell does that have to do with Global warming I ask you? Nothing! Al Gore lost that election fair and square and for him to make a video about global warming and then to come on and use it for propaganda about his left wing agenda is just down right dirty as usual , playing the same political games as the Clintons as taught by James Carville. And while we’re on the subject of him bullshitting us; he did not invent the internet.

The USSR's launch of Sputnik spurred the United States to create the Advanced Research Projects Agency (ARPA, later known as the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA) in February 1958 to regain a technological lead. ARPA created the Information Processing Technology Office (IPTO) to further the research of the Semi Automatic Ground Environment (SAGE) program, which had networked country-wide radar systems together for the first time. J. C. R. Licklider was selected to head the IPTO, and saw universal networking as a potential unifying human revolution.
In 1950, Licklider moved from the Psycho-Acoustic Laboratory at Harvard University to MIT where he served on a committee that established MIT Lincoln Laboratory. He worked on the SAGE project. In 1957 he became a Vice President at BBN, where he bought the first production PDP-1 computer and conducted the first public demonstration of time-sharing.
Licklider recruited Lawrence Roberts to head a project to implement a network, and Roberts based the technology on the work of Paul Baran who had written an exhaustive study for the U.S. Air Force that recommended packet switching (as opposed to Circuit switching) to make a network highly robust and survivable. After much work, the first node went live at UCLA on October 29, 1969 on what would be called the ARPANET, one of the "eve" networks of today's Internet
Back then they just called it networking between colleges and they would play games like crude chess and transfer term papers and stuff like that. Networking is the bases for all programming and it’s how the internet works even today but just a bit more complicated and with a little more bells and whistles. Again it wasn’t the former Vice President or anyone like him that “invented” the internet, it invented itself and we, us old time geeks, made it happen.

Back in the early 1970’s however, Robert Metcalf over at Xerox, which couldn’t have been him either, (I don’t know Maybe Al Gore was a spy too) used to use a program called Ethernet. Mr. Metcalf invented it for the printers in the building but the network had to be fast enough to drive the very fast new laser printers; and it had to connect hundreds of computers within the same building. Never before had hundreds of computers been in the same building -- at that time no one had more than one, two or maybe three computers in operation on any one premise. In 1979 the guy that invented it went off on his own to promote his idea and mostly colleges went for it at first like flying geeks to a pond.

But there’s more to this story than me just ragging on Mr. Gore about his bull too. This claim about global warming is just way too slanted to my view as well. Ok, he says that in the past 650,000 years there has been a steady record of not going over a certain level of green house gases and at this point in history MAN has taken us to a point in which we are at way over the 300 mark and that scientists don’t dispute this figure.

A) No, they don’t dispute that we are over the 300ppm figure
B) Scientists all agree that man is warming the earth, ok I can go with him on that too.
C) Notice however that his same scientists don’t jump on board to his arbitrary 650,000 year figure. Why not measure 1 million years or two million years and see if there is the same spike somewhere and I’ll bet that there will be one somewhere soon for our future. I’ll bet that we’re looking at another ice age coming.
D) That figure that he came up with could be because we’re looking at a catastrophic volcano or an impact of a comet; he doesn’t mention that does he?
E) History always repeats itself and this spike is in somehow the reproduction of something in the past to be explained by science but he fails to mention any of this.

My feeling is that souls are being let out through the ozone into the heavens because the world is coming to an end and the world is too full of souls; up to over 6 billion plus. This sounds, like I said, a little strange but Hebrews 11:1 tells us that faith is something that you can’t see, it’s just something that you know is there; you either have it or you don’t.

Next he brought up the rising temperatures across the world but in particular what happened in the Gulf Coast and Hurricane Katrina. It seems that that’s about when he kicked in with his campaign bull**** and him loosing the election and what he would have done differently had he been president. Well first of all Mr. Gore, it wasn’t President Bush’s fault that a category 3-4 hurricane hit the Gulf Coast. It was a combination of events that culminated and escalated to the breaking point and their were many people to blame, least of which were the President in my opinion.

What I would like to know is that you and Bill Clinton were in office for EIGHT YEARS before it happened, what did you do to prevent this disaster or anything about global warming for that matter, Hmmm?. How will history write it’s final analysis about you and Bill Clinton when it comes to doing something about all of this mess during the eight years while you were in office, not the “projected” four years that you wanted to get into office because everyone wants to blame things on Bush.

Naturally three quarters of the way through Mr. Gore had to pay complement to his Chinese friends saying that they are “on the cutting edge of technology” when as we know he is still under investigation for campaign contribution problems by the feds and so is the Chinese that he speaks so highly of.

Well I’ve laid the ground work for many of you so please, spend the money and go out and spend your time watching this so called documentary when all it’s really about is Al Gore whining again that he didn’t win the 2000 election and that he and a very large group of today’s scientists believe that we’re all going to die soon and that somehow it’s all George Bush’s fault. Again, that’s my opinion and as they say in Apocalypse Now: “Opinions are like assholes Red, everybody got one”, or is that “You gotta die sometime Red”; I don’t know I get the two mixed up.

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 15th, 2007

Citgo Gas Report - March 2007

2007-03-14T13:10:00.000-05:00

This is so important that I wasn’t to post it on the Lazlo report and have everyone copy and post it everywhere. Please DO IT!!

NEWS FLASH:

Hugo Chavez is NOW getting a Russian Weapons Factory built by Putin.

The RUSSIANS are building an AK-47 Kalashnikov Assault Rifle factory in Venezuela, to give armament support to Communist Rebel groups throughout the Americas.

Chavez NOW has IRANIANS operating his oil refineries in Venezuela for him. It is likely only a matter of time, if not already, before Chavez has Iranian built LONG RANGE missiles, with a variety of warhead types aimed at: Guess Who?

CITGO is NOW in the process of Changing Its Name to PETRO EXPRESS due to the loss of gasoline sales in the USA due to the recent publicity of ownership by Chavez of Venezuela

Every dollar you spend with CITGO or PETRO EXPRESS gasoline will be used against you, your basic human rights, and your freedom! He will start wars here in the Americas that will probably be the death of millions of free people.

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT because Chavez is starting to feel the loss of revenue from his holdings.

HE OWNS CITGO. This is a very important move that everyone should be aware of.ANNOUNCED JUST RECENTLY, CITGO, BEING AWARE THAT SALES ARE DOWN DUE TO U.S. CUSTOMERS NOT WANTING TO BUY FROM "CITGO-CHAVEZ", HAVE STARTED TO
CHANGE THE NAME OF SOME OF THEIR STORES TO: "PETRO EXPRESS"
DO NOT BUY FROM "PETRO EXPRESS "EITHER!!!

"PETRO EXPRESS" IS ALSO 100% OWNED BY "CHAVEZ." KEEP THIS MEMO GOING SO THAT EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Like I say folks, Pass this on to as many people as you can and don’t buy this dude’s gas!!!

God bless

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 15th, 2007

Thompson for President

2007-03-14T03:12:00.000-05:00

From Actor to Senator to President; I'm Game

Senator Fred Thompson is sending out an exploratory committee to see whether or not it would be viable for him to run for President in 2008. In my opinion he would not only be a good choice for President but he is probably the best choice we have for President.

Thompson, a Senator from Tennessee was born in Sheffield, Ala. in 1942. He attended Memphis State University in 1964 where he graduated; he was admitted to the Tennessee bar in 1967 and commenced the practice of law; was the assistant US attorney from 1969 to1972; minority counsel, Senate Select Committee on Presidential Campaign Activities (“Watergate Committee”) from 1973 to1974 (pretty impressive for a 21yrld); special counsel to Tennessee Governor Lamar Alexander in 1980; special counsel, Senate Committee on Foreign Relations from 1980 to1981; special counsel, Senate Intelligence Committee in1982; member, Tennessee Appellate Court Nominating Commission from 1985 to1987; actor; elected as a Republican to the United States Senate in the November 8, 1994, special election to fill the unexpired portion of the term ending January 3, 1997, left vacant by the resignation of Albert Gore, Jr.; took the oath of office on December 2, 1994; reelected in 1996 for the term ending January 3, 2003; not a candidate for reelection in 2002; held chair, Committee on Governmental Affairs (One Hundred Fifth and One Hundred Sixth Congresses; One Hundred Seventh Congress [January 20, 2001-June 6, 2001]); Mr. Thompson resumed his acting career.

So although Mr. Thompson no longer sits on any committees, even though he no longer works anywhere near Washington DC for that matter I would still not only vote for the man but I would campaign for him; and I’ll tell you why. Just look at the above resume’ and then watch him in action on the Senate floor, look at his track record in voting and last of all look at the difference between his acting and his government work face, there isn’t any, they’re the same which means that he’s incredibly honest or the perfect actor and there isn’t one. (you’ll have to get out the VCR to do what I just described)

Oh I’ve heard the stories about when Mr. Thompson was running for the Senate and he bought a brand new red pick up truck and drove around Tennessee with Al Gore following behind on his moped while Tipper rode the skate board, (she probably needed the exorcize anyway, don’t know wasn’t my joke) anyway supposedly one guy says ”ey man, wuts see shuuten dem dur trash bags fur anyhow?” My sincerest apologies to my friends in Tennessee for the past use of verbiage, it was completely unnecessary to get my point across but realism is just so fun sometimes. The reason for bringing that story up is that he had the will power to campaign in a state that he wasn’t born in.

Now you have to figure that if you were going to run for an office as high as Senator that you would run in the state in which you were born; heads up Mrs. Clinton. But Mr. Thompson ran against Al Gore who surprisingly was born in Washington DC so he was a transplant himself. Personally I think the reason he won that race was the same reason the Republicans were winning all over the US at the time and that was that the people were sick of the Clintons and anyone who were related to the Clintons. This however doesn’t explain Hilary’s climb up the ladder but that’s another story, one that I hope not to have to tell.

Today’s America is filled with too much debauchery; if you read some of my earlier blogs I have written plenty about it. I’ve written about the Seven Deadly Sins and how someone is messing with them. I’ve written about God and how much it means to me and how everyone should take a closer look at Him in their lives. I’ve written about allot of things but I’ve kept on track when it comes to my mission and that is to spread His word and to speak my mind on whatever issue is important to me on any given day. Well today it’s Fred Thompson and I think he should run for President.

From another blog site from which there were thousands of postings just like the following, this is just a random picken’s that I plucked out and copied:

“Fred Dalton Thompson is a man of integrity, strength of character, intelligence and experience. He was a great senator for Tennessee during his time in Washington. We were fortunate to have his wonderful service to our great Volunteer state. Our country would prosper and regain its military strength and world-wide respect under this great American as the leader of the free world”

So as you can see I’m not the only one that feels that Fred Dalton Thompson would make a great 47th President in 2008.

The only way to help this country is to not spend dollars outside of the US. Don’t go on vacation to Europe and give your money to the French or the Germans anymore. Don’t give it away to large corporations like Visa and MasterCard so that the money goes out of the country anyway; keep it here in the US where it belongs. Take your family to the Grand Canyon but drive there and stay at the mom & pop places. Spend your vacation money at small business’ that make America grow instead of making big business grow because those dollars of yours are not staying here in the US; they go to Saudi Arabia when you buy certain types of gasoline, they go down to butthole boy when you buy Citgo Gas and I think it’s only Atlantic Richfield who at least we’ve merged with the British Petroleum Company. If our dollars are going to go out of the US I rather see them go to the UK than the Middle East. Now, ask me why and it’s because of us having to spend so much money fighting a war on terror which is something that Fred Thompson also knows allot about.

Not just because he’s an actor and has played all of those really cool aircraft carrier movies, no; because he was on the Senate Select Intelligence Committee which are to the people who know their shit, to put it bluntly, a bad ass Senate-man. He’s dinned with world leaders and he’s been in our Strategic Command Center. He’s acted with the likes of the Baldwins to the Zegwellers and it cracks me up that in one person’s website I read that he always portrays a roll of the “big head redneck” where he comes to the rescue at the last minute usually in a military or political role. Hmmm, and that sometimes, even as he started his acting career, he played himself allot; well duh! That’s who he is, that’s what he does for a living, or did anyway.

With any help though he’ll be back and hopefully he can make a few extra dollars making a movie called “While I Was in Office” and I can help produce it. We’ll keep it under wraps until the Senator is out of office and then show off his amazing talents for bringing down the Taliban once and for all, paying off the National debt, bringing down gasoline prices and then seeking out and destroying our worst enemy, well ok we’ll leave old Hillary alone.

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 12, 2007

American Idol Too

2007-03-09T02:57:00.000-05:00

By the way, you're welcome for the free advertising but that's not the reason for part two. Ny reason for part two is that that for some reason the judges think that by kissing America's ass' that they are going to start to vote better and start to just vote by voice quality alone.

WRONG!!!

Nothing could be further from the truth my friends. As we sit here behind our glass plated shields each week we want to hear the truth from them not a bunch of ass kissing, racially motivated crap coming out of their mouths because of your producers having to fight off law suits because Simon saying something stupid to a fat person or any three to a person of other color.

Be real and America won't vote in stupid people and you won't have to act like you're surprised each week there Judgareno's.

That's The Lazlo Report for March 9th, 2007

American Idol is Rigged, in My Opinion

2007-03-07T20:19:00.000-05:00

Up until 2003 or 4 the TV show American Idol was a show that did a fine job of judging young people on their talent in singing in a singing competition show. That all changed with the onset of the automatic dialer, something that anyone with half a brain can download off of the Internet. This was never so apparent when last year the public voted an almost fully gray hair man named Taylor Hicks as its American Idol.

During the show Hicks sang songs that boarded on living room performances and at best lounge acts at the local Travel Lodge. As time went on and with the help of the producers at Fox he got better and I feel that he obtained the status of maybe an opening act to someone else on American Idle but truly no one of no real stature and certainly no big name venue. Bare in mind that Fox and it’s producers like Nigel Lythgoe and Simon Cowell are looking for marketability in the future and record sales too. They weren’t counting on some old guy and this fictitious “soul patrol” as Randy Jackson coined the phrase to catch on but then they underestimated the power of the Internet as well.

In one such part of the plot; On the April 25th show, whose theme was Greatest Love Songs and featured guest coaches Andrea Bocelli and David Foster, executive producer Nigel Lythgoe forced contestant Taylor Hicks to change his song a day before air time (and the same day as the dress rehearsal). Hicks' chosen song was "Try a Little Tenderness," but Lythgoe, in a radio interview, claimed the song was more appropriate for a Blues Brothers week and was not a song that Andrea Bocelli would sing. Hicks changed his song at the last minute to "Just Once" (James Ingram) and appeared very uncomfortable on stage. Hicks fans were distressed, feeling that a) Hicks' original choice of song was very appropriate to the theme; b) The producers changed the song at the last minute even though they must have known Hicks' choice the previous week as they must obtain clearance for all songs; c) Lythgoe's statement that it was not a song Andrea Bocelli would sing was dubious, as other song choices that were approved were songs sung by Bryan Adams ("Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman," sung by Chris Daughtry) and Donny Hathaway ("A Song for You," sung by Elliott Yamin)

So why did he do that; was it because they could obviously see that the people were voting for this no name person no matter what they did and there was nothing they could do about it?...well yeah..duh But it didn’t do any good and pushing for Elliott Yamin which we all could see that the judges were doing did no good at all.

I mean he was pretty good and everything but he wasn’t the best of the group either. Everyone who watched the show last year knows for sure that the winner should have been Chris Daughtry, but that’s not what this blog is about. It’s about whether or not the American Idol contest is rigged and whether or not you believe it.

This year there’s also obvious bios when it comes to female vocalists, whether it be with the public or the judges or both. It’s obvious to me at least that between the three judges that they only prefer African American females and as for the males there is no preference. Not that I’m calling anyone a racist but it’s clear that the first to go are the white girls this year regardless of their singing abilities and regardless of their marketabilities. There’s also, because of other prior threat of law suits I suppose, one person of size picked again this year for the third time that I can recall. There was Ruben then Mandisa and now Lakisha. In between Ruben and Mandisa I believe there was the threat of a law suit from the Large Persons of America or something like that.

I think that a couple of years ago the bulk of America with the power if the Internet behind them figured out that the first part of the show was scripted like a sit-com. You’ll have your over-weight but great singing person that Simon makes a joke about at first and then has to apologize to later on.

Then you’ll have the cutesy blond or brunette who makes silly comments and makes us all laugh early enough on so that the audience just loves her. It could be two of them but they get kicked off anyway.

Then you’ll have the adorable young heart throb. Last year we had 'Chicken Little' and this year it’s Sanjaya Malakar who frankly I have no nickname for without sounding racist myself. There are some out there though that I heard but I’m not posting them.. Well ok, I think if thirty million people can watch him sing then I can just pray that half that many will be pissed that I made a bad joke with his name. Ok; Camel Singer and we’ll leave it at that. My point is that they’ll always have the cute young boy for the teenie-girls to go for and then he’ll get voted off for sure.

Next you’ll have the bitch. Last year; Brenda, this year, can anyone say “God loves good people”? My goodness how sacrilegious can you get; and on National TV?

So what can be done? What is the answer for the producers that came up with the rules that you can call as many times as you want for your favorite contestant. Well I have a suggestion for them now that the cat is out of the bag, presuming that they know about this little glitch in their system and presuming that they even care; come up with their own telephone answering that detects any one telephone number calling in more than, let say, 50 times and let that be the limit on how may times each telephone or IP address can cast a vote. With the advent of high speed internet it’s possible to set a computer to redial for two hours and get in probably 2,000 votes and if you times that by a consortium of 200 geeks that equals 400,000 votes. Just think if it were 2,000 geeks or more. Remember as I said in the beginning of this blog, you can download this sort of program or buy it for $39.00 just about anywhere.

I don’t know who’s going to win this year’s American Idol. All of the men seem like they are winners, my money’ on Blake. The girls are all pretty good too. What it looks like is that the producers are on to what I just described above but instead of taking the honest route however they chose to take the usual Hollywood approach and played it as they always do. Reverse bigotry and putting in only talented people. No goofs this year, except for maybe Sanjaya but he does have a pretty nice voice, just not American Idol standards. America has the choice to make this year; embarrass us again or don’t, it’s that simple in my opinion.

If you’re gonna pick someone for American Idol then pick someone who is an excellent singer, can draw them in the stadiums, can WOW them in record sales and is someone who America aspires to look like. That’s what an “Idol” is, Get it? “I.D.O.L.” look it up in the dictionary, man. An idol is something that you worship so much that you wish you could become that in which you idolize. Now do you know anyone that wants to look like Ruben Studdard? Or look like Taylor Hicks? I didn’t think so. Sound like them sure.

And what is this crap tonight’s about the girls sounding better than the guy’s last night? Randy Jackson; Are you smoking dope Dude? The guys last night did a great job and Jordan, while doing an ok job with her song wasn’t high enough with her rendition of her Pat Benitar song for me. And last night the judges not knowing a 311 song when here in Ohio we, at age 48, we all know it? What’s up with that?

There seems to be something wrong with Idol and like I said I think it’s rigged… or just plain broke. In this case, if it’s broke, please fix it!

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 7, 2007

No More Scandal 4 The DNC

2007-03-06T19:36:00.000-05:00

Back in 1997 there was still a problem with their campaign financing that hasn’t gone away. Oh sure, it’s out of the news, the main stream media has forgotten about it, but not me. I’m still on the case because I don’t want Hillary Clinton, or even an adopted child of the Clintons, knowing that their red-headed real child ain’t gonna run and if she did ain’t no body gonna vote for her either.
In mid-1995, the President and his strategists decided that they needed to raise and spend many millions of dollars over and above the permissible limits of the Presidential campaign funding law if the President was going to be reelected. They devised a legal theory to support their needs and proceeded to raise and spend $44 million in excess of the Presidential campaign spending limits.

The lengths to which the Clinton/Gore campaign and the White House-controlled Democratic National Committee were willing to go in order to raise this amount of money is essentially the story of the 1996 Presidential campaign scandal. The President and his aides demeaned the offices of the President and Vice President, took advantage of minority groups, pulled down all the barriers that would normally be in place to keep out illegal contributions, pressured policy makers, and left themselves open to strong suspicion that they were selling not only access to high-ranking officials, but policy as well. Millions of dollars were raised in illegal contributions, much of it from foreign sources. When these abuses were discovered, the result was numerous Fifth Amendment claims, flights from the country, and stonewalling from the White House and the DNC.

Over a brief period of three months of hearings, the Committee was able to fulfill its responsibility in laying out the available facts to the American people. A much clearer picture of what happened during the 1996 Presidential campaign has been developed and presented.

However, many questions remain unanswered. It is now the responsibility of the Attorney General or, more appropriately, an independent counsel to take these facts and aggressively pursue any and all indications of criminal wrong-doing. Indeed, the three most important legal developments to come out of the 1996 campaign finance scandal are all attributable to the investigation conducted by the Committee on Governmental Affairs. First, Yah Lin “Charlie” Trie, an associate of the President, has been indicted for, among other things, obstruction of the Committee’s investigation. Second, Maria Hsia, a prominent Democratic fundraiser, has been indicted for laundering campaign contributions that were a focus of the Committee’s inquiry. Finally, the Attorney General has requested appointment of an independent counsel to determine whether Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt lied to the committee.

Despite the delaying tactics of the White House and DNC, the Committee developed a great deal of information in a relatively short period of time. Large numbers of documents had been received from many sources, and depositions and interviews were being conducted. In addition, on June 6, 1997, three members of the majority staff, two detailed FBI agents, and one member of the minority staff undertook an investigative trip to Hong Kong, Taiwan, Macao, and Indonesia to collect information and interview witnesses.

They succeeded in giving the American people a boat load of information that would normally never have become public in the absence of the Committee’s investigation. It was not always the Committee itself that released the information, but it was the Committee that was responsible for the release of it. Example; the White House released allot of information to the media before giving it to the Committee. None of that would have been publicly disclosed without the Committee’s demands for the information from the White House. Giving clearance to the public’s right to know, more than offering assuptions and conjectures and /or reaching any political heights, was really the job of the special investigation, and the Committee if they succeeded in satisfying this first purpose.

A second reason for the inquiry and hearings was to fully lay out the operation of the current framework for Federal elections. For Congress to legislate and govern effectively, it must conduct routine oversight to learn how the government is functioning. Congress also has a responsibility to examine the operation of current laws on the government and private parties. This Committee is particularly well-suited to conduct such a broad oversight inquiry into the multifarious elements of this scandal because it has the broadest oversight jurisdiction in the Senate: “to study or investigate the efficiency and economy of operations of all branches of the Government.”

When the 105th Congress convened in early January 1997, Senator Fred Thompson (RTN) was confirmed as the chairman of the Committee. On January 7, 1997, Chairman Thompson named Hannah Sistare as staff director of the Committee and hired Michael J. Madigan, a partner in the Washington, D.C., law firm of Akin, Gump, Strauss, Hauer & Feld, to serve as chief counsel for the special investigation into campaign fundraising abuses in the 1996 elections. Senator John Glenn (D-OH) was selected as the ranking minority member of the Committee, and he named former Senate Legal Counsel Michael Davidson to serve as minority chief counsel for the special investigation.

Of perhaps equal importance to the information the Committee was gathering, however, was the information the Committee was unable to obtain. Thirty-five witnesses with information relevant to the Committee’s investigation asserted the Fifth Amendment right against selfincrimination and refused to testify and/or produce documents in response to a Committee subpoena. In late June, the Committee began considering whether to grant immunity to some of the witnesses who had invoked their Fifth Amendment right. On June 27, the Committee voted to confer immunity on four witnesses. On July 23, the Committee voted to immunize another five witnesses. Thus, the Committee voted to immunize nine witnesses, five of whom eventually testified in open session during the Committee’s hearings. An additional ten potential witnesses fled the country and were beyond the Committee’s ability to issue legal process. The Committee was unable to contact any of these individuals during the staff’s foreign trip. While the Committee was able to interview a number of foreign witnesses during that trip, 12 potential foreign witnesses who were contacted refused requests for interviews, among whom were some of the most important, including James Riady and Ng Lap Seng.

Now, while this all sounds like the plot to an epesode to an old Roky and Bulwikle with agents being put into the back of a black car and shuffled off in hopes of finding the key to the Upsadaisium mind only to find that their plans are spoiled by “Moose und Squirle” even when mines go off from nearby hhsshhaboomerum, it isn’t it is a very real investigation with very real people that have commotied crimes. They just want you to think it’s not real and that what they did was funny in some way; well I’m not laughing and you shouldn’t either.
So if you’re courious yourself and want to look into this, please do so. In the meanwhile I plan to keep you abreast of the sitsuation as it comes up in this blog. I will post more as I come across it and I wont hold anything back.

By the way, at the top I have writen an address for you to contact the Whitehouse. Do so and contact someone and demand that something still be done. I did.

That’s The lazlo Report for March 6, 2007

Joke Page 2

2007-03-03T11:00:00.000-05:00

This page, like the other joke page, will be updated once in a while with new jokes at the top pushing the older ones down and keeping all of them.
*************************************************************************************

(This joke just cracked me up and I know that I don't normally don't post on the weekednd but I had to post this from my Aunt in Texas)

Last week while in Westbrook, Maine, I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.

The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of l umber for $100. His cost of production is $80.

Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2007

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar

*************************************************************************************
These are so cool that I had to re-post them from an email from my sister Dotty: *************************************************************************************

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_2+1=4_) a Dumb Ass 1

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass 2

You have just been e-mooned!

*************************************************************************************
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what;

metal,
wood,
stone,

anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
:-[
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)

M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

Dog Tripper

2007-03-01T21:26:00.000-05:00

In the need for a quick subject for a blog I asked the Lord this afternoon on what to write about and he told me to write about the pain in my back and what happened when I tripped over the dog.

By now you all know that I am disabled with severe spinal damage. I take an array of pills to kill the pain but in fact the pain will never go away and as of four or five months ago when my safe got stolen my doctor took me off of Oxycontin. I wish I had something for the heavy pain but for now I have some muscle relaxers and then there’s always been Tylenol® Extra Strength. I also have some pretty cool not ready for primetime patches that numb up the area pretty good and those too are prescription. The drugs I take are designed to take away as much of the spinal pain on a scale of 1 to 10 and up until this morning I was at a 3-1/2.

The problem today however wasn’t just my normal back pain. No, it was my overly loved and overly fed dog named George who had to lay right in the path in which I was walking. Naturally I, being the klutz that I am, tripped over him, knocked over the lamp and landed on the edge of the end table putting the full force of my 235 pound body, loosing one of my shoes in the process.

Luckily for me, and Praise the Lord, I see my spinal specialist this coming Monday so I’m pretty sure that it isn’t necessary to have the dog put to sleep or have my hips put in a full body wrap. I’ll stick with putting on the Lidoderm patches and taking the medicine as directed. Now my little dog Joe, now he’s another story, now he can drive me crazy as he’s doing right now. Just picking up after him is like picking up after a two year old child and anyone who’s had one can attest to that, I know I can. I don’t want to get the animal rights people on me but Joe is another one who I’d like to skin once in a while too, he just doesn’t sleep under my feet. He has other habits too icky to mention on a blog.

So the Lord gave me something to write about today which is good. My back feels like crap which is bad. The pain meds are working which is good.. America is spending too much money on keeping illegal aliens out without doing a very good job at it which is bad. My wife is and has been the best wife a man could ask for in the twenty-two years that we’ve been married, that’s really good….well I could go on and on. Oh yeah and about putting the dog to sleep; I wouldn’t do that, his meat is too tough and we don’t eat dog anymore anyway.

See ya'll on Monday

That’s the Lazlo Report for March 1, 2007

Lazlo on the MPAA

2007-02-28T01:51:00.000-05:00

So how is God working through me still I thought. Well as I watched the movie “The Film Is Not Yet Rated” I came to the conclusion that I could do a blog on the subject of movie ratings and let everyone know that what they do is a complete farce and that there is just a handful of companies like Sony and G.E. that run the movie industry for the entire United States.

So as not to be sued I have intentionally not put links to anyone in the industry that could result in such action, just ones that will give free advertising. I’ll let you be the judge in the next few paragraphs as top my motives but as I’ve said my mission in life right now is to serve God almighty and to inform as many people in as few words as possible.

According to the MPAA, the movie ratings system is a voluntary system operated by the MPAA and the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO). The ratings are given by a board of parents who comprise the Classification and Rating Administration (CARA). CARA?s Board members view each film and, after a group discussion, vote on its rating. The ratings are intended to provide parents with advance information so they can decide for themselves which films are appropriate for viewing by their own children. The Board uses the same criteria as any parent making a judgment ? theme, language, violence, nudity, sex and drug use are among content areas considered in the decision-making process.

So who is the National Association of Theater Owners; I went to their site and looked around a little but as far as an explanation as to who they really are and what they do there really isn’t much proof as to what they really do. It’s sort of a secret I think. Oh they have a website, and they have all the usual click this and click here’s but as far as a honest to God real explanation as to who they answer to and how far up on the food chain they are as far as corporate food chain goes, that is not going to happen. There’s also no transparency as to who runs place, who’s on the boards, who rates the films or any such information.

According to them, the National Association of Theatre Owners is the largest exhibition trade organization in the world, representing more than 29,000 movie screens in all 50 states, and additional cinemas in more than 40 countries worldwide. Their membership includes the largest cinema chains in the world and hundreds of independent theatre owners too. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., with a second office in North Hollywood, California, NATO represents its members in the heart of the nation's capital as well as the center of the entertainment industry. From these vantage points, NATO helps exhibition influence federal policy-making and work with movie distributors on all areas of mutual concern, from new technologies to legislation, marketing, and First Amendment issues. Hmm, I’m a little hazy on them looking out for my “First Amendment Issues.”

And who is CARA anyway; Now their website, a dot org, told me absolutely nothing. There were other websites out there but none that were linked with a dot org. I’m not sure if I am purposely being misled and the actual website is somewhere else but I can’t go posting every frigging Google hit that I get and the Lord, I don’t think would call me on this one. Anyway I’m sure that there’s no major conspiracy here, just the same thing as the MPAA and the NATO board in that the members of the board and the people that rate the films are kept secret.

My only problem with this whole process is that what they’ve done is put violence before sex here in America and that has become policy. If you watch Pulp Fiction, and granted it’s a good movie, that should have received an NC-17 rating while the movie But I’m Only A Cheerleader should have only gotten an R rating.

First of all Cheerleaders had no nudity, had very little cussing and it dealt with a teenager going through a problem that many teenager go though at a tough time in their life. Now on the other hand we have Pulp Fiction that has a bizarre plot, it has gratuitous drug use, gratuitous rape and is filled with gratuitous. Not only is the rape scene gratuitous but it’s homosexual rape. Now how did that happen and it still get an R rating. Now I’m a man of God and all but who’s sucking who’s dick to get that?

It seems to me that if you’re a lesbian in Hollywood these days and you’re trying to produce a movie you’re just shit out of luck. Wow, was that me that just typed that, a man of God. Yep…uh huh uh huh. Look, I have nothing against anyone be them lesbians or gay or whatever but when someone is discriminated against, especially in Hollywood, those Godless heathens, someone needs to stand up and say something. Well this is my forum to do so. It’s also my forum to get to the bottom of the rating system and, well, I digress….

Ah crap where was I..oh yeah. The following is a letter written by Jack Valenti. I will not change a word nor even letter of it. If there is or was a link on it I disabled it, sorry I had to so I could protect myself from lawsuit Since I am not charging money for this website to get in, since this is not a “pay site” and I am copying the following verbatim, I want you to try and decipher the bullshit if you can, at least in today’s standards". However with that said, to this man’s family I want to say that I am sorry for your loss. I’m sure that Mr. Valenti was a smart, funny, intelligent and one asskicking dude and I wish that I would have been honored to have met him. I know that someday I will in the kingdom of heaven, May God Bless:

HOW IT ALL BEGANBy Jack ValentiWhen I became president of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) in May 1966, the slippage of Hollywood studio authority over the content of films collided with an avalanching revision of American mores and customs.By summer of 1966, the national scene was marked by insurrection on the campus, riots in the streets, rise in women's liberation, protest of the young, doubts about the institution of marriage, abandonment of old guiding slogans, and the crumbling of social traditions. It would have been foolish to believe that movies, that most creative of art forms, could have remained unaffected by the change and torment in our society.A New Kind of American MovieThe result of all this was the emergence of a "new kind" of American movie - frank and open, and made by filmmakers subject to very few self-imposed restraints.Almost within weeks in my new duties, I was confronted with controversy, neither amiable nor fixable. The first issue was the film "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf," in which, for the first time on the screen, the word "screw" and the phrase "hump the hostess" were heard. In company with the MPAA's general counsel, Louis Nizer, I met with Jack Warner, the legendary chieftain of Warner Bros., and his top aide, Ben Kalmenson. We talked for three hours, and the result was deletion of "screw" and retention of "hump the hostess," but I was uneasy over the meeting.It seemed wrong that grown men should be sitting around discussing such matters. Moreover, I was uncomfortable with the thought that this was just the beginning of an unsettling new era in film, in which we would lurch from crisis to crisis, without any suitable solution in sight.The second issue surfaced only a few months later.This time it was Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, and the Michelangelo Antonioni film "Blow-Up." I met with MGM's chief executive officer because this movie also represented a first - the first time a major distributor was marketing a film with nudity in it. The Production Code Administration in California had denied the seal of approval.I backed the decision, whereupon MGM distributed the film through a subsidiary company, thereby flouting the voluntary agreement of MPAA member companies that none would distribute a film without a Code seal.Finally, in April 1968, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the constitutional power of states and cities to prevent the exposure of children to books and films that could not be denied to adults.It was plain that the old system of self-regulation, begun with the formation of the MPAA in 1922, had broken down. What few threads there were holding together the structure created by Will Hays, one of my two predecessors, had now snapped. From the very first day of my own succession to the MPAA President's office, I had sniffed the Production Code constructed by the Hays Office. There was about this stern, forbidding catalogue of "Dos and Don'ts" the odious smell of censorship. I determined to junk it at the first opportune moment.I knew that the mix of new social currents, the irresistible force of creators determined to make "their" films and the possible intrusion of government into the movie arena demanded my immediate action.Within weeks, discussions of my plan for a movie rating system began with the president of the National Association of Theatre Owners (NATO) and with the governing committee of the International Film
Importers & Distributors of America (IFIDA), an assembly of independent producers and distributors.Over the next five months, I held more than 100 hours of meetings with these two organizations, as well as with guilds of actors, writers, directors and producers, with craft unions, with critics, with religious organizations, and with the heads of MPAA member companies

By early fall, I was ready. My colleagues in the National Association of Theatre Owners joined with me in affirming our objective of creating a new and, at the time, revolutionary approach to how we would fulfill our obligation to the parents of America.My first move was to abolish the old and decaying Hays Production Code. I did that immediately. Then on November 1, 1968, we announced the birth of the new voluntary film rating system of the motion picture industry, with three organizations, NATO, MPAA, and IFIDA, as its monitoring and guiding groups.The initial design called for four rating categories:G for General Audiences, all ages admitted;M for mature audiences - parental guidance suggested, but all ages admitted;R for Restricted, children under 16 would not be admitted without an accompanying parent or adult guardian; (later raised to under 17 years of age, (and varies in some jurisdictions));X for no one under 17 admitted.The rating system trademarked all the category symbols, except the X. Under the plan, anyone not submitting his or her film for rating could self apply the X or any other symbol or description, except those trademarked by the rating program.Our original plan had been to use only three rating categories, ending with R. It was my view that parents ought to be able to accompany their children to any movie the parents choose, without the movie industry or the government or self-appointed groups interfering with their rights. But NATO urged the creation of an adults only category, fearful of possible legal redress under state or local law. I acquiesced in NATO's reasoning and the four category system, including the X rating, was installed.So, the emergence of the voluntary rating system filled the vacuum provided by my dismantling of the Hays Production Code

The movie industry would no longer "approve or disapprove" the content of a film, but we would now see our primary task as giving advance cautionary warnings to parents so that parents could make the decision about the moviegoing of their young children. CHANGES IN THE RATING SYSTEM We found early on that the M category (M meaning "Mature") was regarded by most parents as a sterner rating than the R category. To remedy this misconception, we changed the name from M to GP (meaning General audiences, Parental guidance suggested). A year later we revised the name to its current label, "PG: Parental Guidance Suggested."On July 1, 1984, we made another adjustment. We split the PG category into two groupings, PG and PG-13. PG-13 meant a higher level of intensity than was to be found in a film rated PG. Over the past years, parents have approved of this amplifying revision in the rating system.On September 27, 1990, we announced two more revisions. First, we introduced brief explanations of why a particular film received its R rating. Since, in the opinion of the Ratings Board, R rated films contain adult material, we believed it would be useful to parents to know a little more about that film's content before they allowed their children to accompany them. Sometime later we began applying the explanations in the PG, PG-13 and NC-17 categories as well. These explanations are available to parents at the theater (by telephone or at the box office), in certain media reviews and listings, and also made available on the MPAA's World Wide Web Home Page on the Internet. This internet address is http://www.mpaa.org. Second, we changed the name of the X category to NC-17:NO ONE 17 AND UNDER ADMITTED. The X rating over the years appeared to have taken on a surly meaning in the minds of many people, a meaning that was never intended when we created the system. Therefore, we chose to reaffirm the original intent of the design we installed on November 1, 1968, in which this "adults only" category explicitly describes a movie that most parents would want to have barred to viewing by their children. That was and is our goal, nothing more, nothing less.We have now trademarked "NC-17:NO ONE 17 AND UNDER ADMITTED" so that this rating symbol and the legend can be used only by those who submit their films for rating.

THE PURPOSE OF THE RATING SYSTEMThe basic mission of the rating system is a simple one: to offer to parents some advance information about movies so that parents can decide what movies they want their children to see or not to see. The entire rostrum of the rating program rests on the assumption of responsibility by parents. If parents don't care, or if they are languid in guiding their children's moviegoing, the rating system becomes useless. Indeed, if you are 18 or over, or if you have no children, the rating system has no meaning for you. Ratings are meant for parents, no one else.The Rating Board does not rate movies on their quality or lack of quality. That is a role left to film critics and audiences. Had we attempted to insert ourselves into judging whether a film is "good" or "bad" or "indifferent" we would have collapsed the system before it began.The criteria that go into the mix which becomes a Rating Board judgment are theme, violence, language, nudity, sensuality, drug abuse, and other elements. Part of the rating flows from how each of these elements is treated on-screen by the filmmaker. In making their evaluation, the members of the Ratings Board do not look at snippets of film in isolation but consider the film in its entirety. The Rating Board can make its decisions only by what is seen on the screen, not by what is imagined or thought.There is no special emphasis on any one of these elements. All are considered. All are examined before a rating is applied. Contrary to popular notion, violence is not treated more leniently than any of the other material. Indeed many films rated X in the past and NC-17 now, have at least tentatively been given the "adults only" rating because of depictions of violence. However, most of the directors/producers/distributors involved have chosen, by their decision, to edit intense violent scenes in order to receive an R rating.

HOW THE RATINGS ARE DECIDEDThe ratings are decided by a full-time Rating Board located in Los Angeles. There are 8-13 members of the Board who serve for perods of varying length. They work for the Classification and Rating Administration, which is funded by fees charged to producers/distributors for the rating of their films. The MPAA President chooses the Chairman of the Rating Board, thereby insulating the Board from industry or other group pressure. No one in the movie industry has the authority or the power to push the Board in any direction or otherwise influence it. One of the highest accolades to be conferred on the rating system is that from its birth in 1968 to this hour, there has never been even the slightest jot of evidence that the rating system has ever deliberately fudged a decision or bowed to pressure. The Rating Board has always conducted itself at the highest level of integrity. That is a large, honorable, and valuable asset.There are no special qualifications for Board membership, except the members must have a shared parenthood experience, must be possessed of an intelligent maturity, and most of all, have the capacity to put themselves in the role of most American parents so they can view a film and apply a rating that most parents would find suitable and helpful in aiding their decisions about their children's moviegoing.As the MPAA President, I take no part in rating decisions, and do not overrule or dissuade the Board from any decisions it makes.No one is forced to submit a film to the Board for rating, but the vast majority of producers/distributors do in fact submit their films for ratings. Any producer/distributor who wants no part of any rating system is free to go to the market without any rating at all or with any description or symbol they choose as long as it is not confusingly similar to the G, PG, PG-13, R, and, NC-17. The ratin symbols are federally-registered certification marks of the MPAA and may not be self-applied.

The Board Votes on RatingsThe Board views each film. Each member present estimates what most parents would consider to be that film's appropriate rating. After group discussion, the Board votes on the rating. Each member completes a rating form spelling out his or her reason for the rating.Each rating is decided by majority vote.The producer/distributor of a film has the right under the rules to inquire as to the "why" of the rating applied. The producer/distributor also has the right, based on the reasons for the rating, to edit the film - if that is the choice of the producer/distributor - and come back to the Board to try for a less severe rating. The reedited film is brought back to the Board and the process goes forward again.

Appeal of RatingsA producer/distributor who for any reason is displeased with a rating can appeal the decision to the Rating Appeals Board, which sits as the final arbiter of ratings.The Appeals Board comprises 14 to 18 members who serve terms of varying length. They are men and women from the industry organizations that govern the rating system.They gather to view the film and hear the appeal. After the screening, the producer/distributor whose film is being appealed explains why he or she believes the rating was wrongly decided. The chairman of the Rating Board states the reason for the film's rating. The producer/distributor has an opportunity for rebuttal.After Appeals Board members question the two opposing representatives, they are excused from the room. The Board discusses the appeal and then takes a secret ballot. It requires a two-thirds vote of those present to overturn a Rating Board decision.By this method of appeal, decisions of the Rating Board can be examined and any rating deemed a mistake set right.The decision of the Appeals Board is final and cannot be appealed.

WHAT THE RATINGS MEANG:"General Audiences-All Ages Admitted."This is a film which contains nothing in theme, language, nudity and sex, violence, etc. which would, in the view of the Rating Board, be offensive to parents whose younger children view the film. The G rating is not a "certificate of approval," nor does it signify a children's film.Some snippets of language may go beyond polite conversation but they are common everyday expressions. No stronger words are present in G-rated films. The violence is at a minimum. Nudity and sex scenes are not present; nor is there any drug use content.PG:"Parental Guidance Suggested. Some Material May Not Be Suitable For Children."This is a film which clearly needs to be examined or inquired into by parents before they let their children attend. The label PG plainly states that parents may consider some material unsuitable for their children, but the parent must make the decision.Parents are warned against sending their children, unseen and without inquiry, to PG-rated movies.The theme of a PG-rated film may itself call for parental guidance. There may be some profanity in these films. There may be some violence or brief nudity. But these elements are not deemed so intense as to require that parents be strongly cautioned beyond the suggestion of parental guidance. There is no drug use content in a PG-rated film.The PG rating, suggesting parental guidance, is thus an alert for examination of a film by parents before deciding on its viewing by their children.Obviously such a line is difficult to draw. In our pluralistic society it is not easy to make judgments without incurring some disagreement. So long as parents know they must exercise parental responsibility, the rating serves as a meaningful guide and as a warning.

WHAT THE RATINGS MEAN (con't)PG-13:"Parents Strongly Cautioned. Some Material May Be Inappropriate For Children Under 13."PG-13 is thus a sterner warning to parents to determine for themselves the attendance in particular of their younger children as they might consider some material not suited for them. Parents, by the rating, are alerted to be very careful about the attendance of their under-teenage children.A PG-13 film is one which, in the view of the Rating Board, leaps beyond the boundaries of the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, or other contents, but does not quite fit within the restricted R category. Any drug use content will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. In effect, the PG-13 cautions parents with more stringency than usual to give special attention to this film before they allow their 12-year olds and younger to attend.If nudity is sexually oriented, the film will generally not be found in the PG-13 category. If violence is too rough or persistent, the film goes into the R (restricted) rating. A film's single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, shall initially require the Rating Board to issue that film at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive must lead the Rating Board to issue a film an R rating, as must even one of these words used in a sexual context. These films can be rated less severely, however, if by a special vote, the Rating Board feels that a lesser rating would more responsibly reflect the opinion of American parents.PG-13 places larger responsibilities on parents for their children's moviegoing. The voluntary rating system is not a surrogate parent, nor should it be. It cannot, and should not, insert itself in family decisions that only parents can, and should, make. Its purpose is to give prescreening advance informational warnings, so that parents can form their own judgments. PG-13 is designed to make these parental decisions easier for films between PG and R.R:"Restricted, Under 17 Requires Accompanying Parent Or Adult Guardian."

In the opinion of the Rating Board, this film definitely contains some adult material. Parents are strongly urged to find out more about this film before they allow their children to accompany them.An R-rated film may include hard language, or tough violence, or nudity within sensual scenes, or drug abuse or other elements, or a combination of some of the above, so that parents are counseled, in advance, to take this advisory rating very seriously. Parents must find out more about an R-rated movie before they allow their teenagers to view it.NC-17:"No One 17 And Under Admitted."This rating declares that the Rating Board believes that this is a film that most parents will consider patently too adult for their youngsters under 17. No children will be admitted. NC-17 does not necessarily mean "obscene or pornographic" in the oft-accepted or legal meaning of those words. The Board does not and cannot mark films with those words. These are legal terms and for courts to decide. The reasons for the application of an NC-17 rating can be violence or sex or aberrational behavior or drug abuse or any other elements which, when present, most parents would consider too strong and therefore off-limits for viewing by their children.

AppraisalIn any appraisal, what is "too much?" becomes very controversial. How much is "too much" violence? Are classic war films too violent with scenes of marines storming a beach and slaying hundreds, wounding thousands? Is it the graphic cop killing, the gangster shoot-out, or the slap across the face of a woman that determines "too much"? How much is "blood spilled" to be given emphasis? Where is the line to be drawn between "this is alright" and "this is not alright"?The same vexing doubts occur in sex scenes or those where language rises on the Richter scale, or where behavior not considered "normal" is revealed on the screen. What follows is disagreement, inevitable, inexorable, and oftentimes strident. That is what the rating system has to endure and confront. We understand that. We try to do our level best so that most parents would find our ratings mostly accurate and mostly useful.

Appraisal (con't)But, importantly, we urge and implore parents to care about what their children see and watch, to focus their attention on movies so they can know more about a film before they consent to their children watching it.To oversee the Rating Board, the film industry has set up a Policy Review Committee consisting of officials of MPAA and NATO. These men and women set guidelines for the Rating Board to follow, and make certain that the Board carries them out reasonably and appropriately.Because the rating program is a self-regulatory apparatus of the film industry, it is important that no single element of the industry take on the authority of a "czar" beyond any discipline or self-restraint.

Advertising and Trailer PolicyFilm advertising is part of the film industry's self-regulatory mechanism. All advertising for rated motion pictures must be submitted to the Advertising Administration for approval prior to its release to the public. This includes, but is not limited to, print ads, radio and TV spots, pressbooks, videocassette packaging and theatrical and home video trailers.Trailers are an important aspect of the program. They are approved for "all audiences," which means they may be shown with all feature films, or "restricted audiences", which limits their use to feature films rated R or NC-17. There will be, in "all audience" trailers, no scenes that caused the feature to be rated PG, PG-13, R or NC-17.Each trailer carries at the front a tag which tells two things: (1) the audience for which the trailer has been approved, and (2) the rating of the picture being advertised. The tag for "all audience" trailers will have a green background; the tag for "restricted" trailers will have a red background. The color is to alert the projectionist against mismatching trailers with the film being shown on the theater screen.

HOW THE RATING SYSTEM IS USED BY THEATER OWNERS AND VIDEO RETAILERSMotion picture theater owners, who co-founded the rating system in 1968, were the first group in the entertainment industry to voluntarily enforce its guidelines. NATO estimates that the majority of the theater owners in the nation observe the rating system.In the mid 1980's, as watching movies on videocassettes at home soared in popularity, video retailers joined theater owners in embracing the voluntary guidelines of the rating system. Parents who relied on the rating system to determine which films their children viewed in theaters found the information provided by the rating classifications equally helpful in home video. To facilitate its use, ratings are displayed on both the videocassette package and the cassette itself. The Video Software Dealers Association (VSDA), which is the major trade association for video retailers in the United States, has adopted a "Pledge to Parents" which strongly endorses the observance of the voluntary movie rating system by video retailers.

THE PUBLIC REACTION We count it crucial to make regular soundings to find out how the public perceives the rating program, and to measure the approval and disapproval of what we are doing.Nationwide scientific polls, conducted each year by the Opinion Research Corporation of Princeton, New Jersey, have consistently given the rating program high marks by parents throughout the land. The latest poll results show that 76% of parents with children under 13 found the ratings to be "very useful" to "fairly useful" in helping them make decisions for the moviegoing of their children.On the evidence of the polls, the rating system would not have survived if it were not providing a useful service to parents.The rating system isn't perfect but, in an imperfect world, it seems each year to match the expectations of those whom it is designed to serve - parents of America.Last Revised: December, 2000

Ok, bullshit number one: “Indeed many films rated X in the past and NC-17 now, have at least tentatively been given the "adults only" rating because of depictions of violence.” This is untrue and Sin City is a great example of it. That movie got an R rating and I don’t know what the director/editors cut out of the movie to get it or what’s on the cutting room floor but I sure would like to see it.

Second, and the whole paragraph is bullshit but “A film's single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, shall initially require the Rating Board to issue that film at least a PG-13 rating.” And that’s just to start; they’re saying or rather he’s saying that in a teenybopper movie when a kid says the phrase “oh man I’d really like to fuck nurse Brown this summer”, that gets a R but when the same kid in the very same movie says “that nurse Brown gets on my nerves I’m gonna smash her fucking head”, that would get a PG-13? That’s ok? What the heck is going on is America these days, man I just don’t know.

Listen, God is also telling me that my wife is laying there all snuggled up in the covers right now and I need to be next to her. I need to go to bed and my fingers are tired anyway. I think that I have proven my point at least a little bit in that there is hypocrisy in the system. While they tell us not to view violence, they sell us on movies that are filled with it. While they tell us that it’s shameful to masturbate, they make light of it in the movies. And the most grievous of all; when rape of women is the most despicable crime of all the movie industry thrives on putting a woman in peril time after time. I just don’t see the reasoning and this group that calls themselves a “Board of Directors” aught to be responsible to someone, not just to our government who has let us down in the past.

That’s the Lazlo Report for February 28, 2007

Anna Nicole & Lazlo's Prediction

2007-02-26T13:38:00.000-05:00

Lazlo’s Prediction’s on the Anna Nicole Smith situation as of February 25, 2007 is that it will be found out that her son Daniel was dipping into the Methadone and that Howard K. Stern was in some was responsible for supplying those drugs. It may not have been in an illegal way that he retained those drugs but in many cases the enabler dose not even know that they’re doing what they’re doing at the time that they’re enabling the person and that the drugs at that high of doses can kill the person taking the drugs that they probably don’t often need and could sometimes can utilize over the counter drugs like ®Aleve Sorry I don't work on the weekend anymore so you folks are the first to see my blog since sitting back down at my desk chair.

In this case we have two people that have died in the result of very hard drugs and as I said in my last blog about this subject, Mr. Stern may be subject to even more than just enabling someone and I say that without accusing him directly of anything. If, and only IF, Mr. Stern is brought in for questioning for the deaths of Anna Nicole and her son Daniel I would ask him, that is if I were one of the detectives, why and where did she get her hands on methadone and something like Xanax which are two drugs that will put you into a drunken state before they kill you.

Then, ask to resume the body of Daniel and do an autopsy to see if there are the same drug interactions that killed him. If so then you have a direct pattern and then there is a motive, the money. He set her up to be sad as hell over he son after a supposed overdose, then he set up this whole fight over the body as a ruse just so that the bohemian government will side with him and let him keep the baby and the half a trillion dollars.

I hope that there is someone that is smarter than him in the State Department that sees this and reads my blog to thwart his efforts, keeping in mind that my theory is sound, and puts this butt stain in jail.

This will be my final analysis on Anna Nicole Smith and I hope that her family does ok and that her daughter, the half a trillion dollar girl, grows up somehow with God fearing – loving – parents of some sorts and that she is loved by her living parents no matter who they turn out to be especially when I hope that they turn out to be this Larry Burkhead.

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That’s The Lazlo Report for Monday February 26, 2007

Will Marc Dann Surprise Us More?

2007-02-23T09:33:00.000-05:00

My goodness; ya know I once wrote my Congressman when I lived in California when my brother was dying of cancer and his long time wish was to fly an F15 Jet Fighter. Well I wasn’t able to achieve that but, along with the help of Senator Pete Wilson and then Governor Ronald Regan, I got my brother a first class tour of Mira Mar Air Force Base near San Diego, California. This is the same place where they teach the Top Gun Air Force Pilots and he even got to sit on a real F-15 jet while I sat in the co-pilots seat.

I tell you this story not to boast but to remind myself, and to tell all of you, that if you want something done in government you need to do it yourself. Now listen, I did that stuff back in the early 1980’s and as I sit here in 2007 I realized that I just got done with another hair raising experience here in the state of Ohio. I could have only gotten it done had it not been the help of one of the staff members of the Attorney General’s office and me sticking to their advice and directions, well, just one person who I can’t mention without her permission. Her initials are R.C. and you know who you are, thank you.

My point to this blog is that fist of all, I started a corporation back in 1999, and I then had my first and last corporate meeting with my lawyer in January of 2000. At that time he said “Hey we were supposed to have our annual meeting on your corporation” and I told him that I no longer was going to use this idea that I had and to do whatever it took to close it up. He then said he would and that was the last I heard of it. Well that was until about two years ago or so when I started getting tax bills from the tax collector telling me that I never closed the corporation correctly and that it was all my fault. Actually I don’t know how long it’s been that I’ve been receiving the notices because one of my disabilities is severe memory loss as well as depression and as time went on each notice only compounded the next one but that is another issue all together, I digress.

Ok, so sure it was my fault, I admit that, but I had also asked my attorney to “do whatever it takes” in this impromptu conversation at the end of a regular meeting at which I was in his office anyway (this was about two and a half years earlier) but again I had I had asked him to do what it took and he failed to do it. After I started receiving the tax bills I started sending letters but I got nowhere. Then I started getting letters from the “Special Lawyer for the Attorney General”, otherwise known as the Tax Collector and they tacked on interest and $500 penalties for each year as they went by.

So then I contacted the office of my local congressman and for a year and a half or whatever they did nothing and basically got nothing accomplished. Well, I did send them $250 toward the penalties and that was applied to my account I later found out. I really don’t know what they did in all that time. Nope, it wasn’t until the second week of this year when I got pissed off enough to just pick up the telephone myself. Quite frankly I was afraid that this last letter from the Attorney General demanding $7,600 for just one of the years dating back over four years was a bit too much and they might come and take my house. (That probably isn’t true in hindsight but ‘eh I’m Monday morning quarterbacking)

So anyway I contacted R.C. and she gave me the instructions on how to dissolve the corporation and in only one short month I accomplished what these other people with all of there law degrees and whatever couldn’t do. Again, I’m not boasting, I’m just talking about the gears of government and stating fact. As I said, if you want something done for yourself in government today or even back in the 1980’s, do it yourself. It also helps to call the right people and talk to them on the telephone and talk politely and calmly too. This young woman was very nice and very helpful.

I very much doubt that it’s due to the new administration down in Columbus that has caused such a change in the work habits of the people that work there, as I look at it there, it seems to be business as usual, but whatever the reason I’m happy and I can’t help but wonder if Ms R.C is going to run for any office herself, and if so she already has my vote.

That’s the Lazlo report for Friday, February 23, 2007

Lazlo On Anna Nicole

2007-02-22T09:42:00.000-05:00

I was thinking, “Poor old Anna Nicole”, Poor? Good Lord; this woman bore a child that was worth a half a billion, that’s with a “B”, dollars. But she isn’t the issue. It’s this Howard K whatever that I see is of suspect in all of this sorted mess. I mean let them all work it all out in court before forming our public opinion but my goodness have any of you been watching Court TV of late?

Being disabled does have it’s disadvantages sometimes but it also serves as an advantage because as my beautiful wife goes to the bank and counts those ten and twenties all day and opens those accounts, while I am not at my parents helping them or just hang out I am home sometimes watching TV. When I get this privilege I get to watch shit like the Anna Nicole show, and that’s what this is, well it’s also the pilot for the Judge somethin’ show, since I don’t know his name.

It never ceases to amaze me that when you mix money and lawyers and Hollywood that you get cameras in the courtroom and everyone has to play a part as though they all have a script in front of them and they are “ready for their close up Mr. Demille”. Just like Anna wanted she will be remembered for the starlet that she was but not the beautiful woman that she really was. No, we get the hard-core version of a drug addicted run of the mill next-door woman that really was a very nice person who got caught up with an asshole but I have no evidence to prove my theory that he gave her the drugs that killed her.

I like the rest of the world have to go by what I watch on the tube but I have an insight that other don’t have in that I take most if not all of the drugs that she took up to the day of her death. Topomax is a drug that is used for pain by not only releasing some endorphins but it also has a strange side effect that it helps some people loose weight. It’s also used to kill some sharp shooting pains and epileptic pain but can cause bad side effects in mood behavior. I am also guessing, guessing mind you, that she was taking some sort of Xanax and methadone together and if someone does that surely they can die. I know because I had the very same reation to these drugs and I almost died myself almost a three years ago. If it weren’t for my family doctor, my God rest his soul, and the quick thinking of my pain specialist in nearby Fort Wayne, Indiana I would have died for sure.

So I know that mixing any sort of mind inducing drugs with opiates will hasten death. To top that you also have an enabler, so it appears, who was feeding her these drugs at her beckoning. Personally I would have cut her off just like it looks like this Larry fellow was trying to do but he seems to have failed in his attempts due to the body guards and other people hired by Mr….well I don’t want to throw rocks in a glass house. Needless to say that this guy here isn’t buying the bullshit that I am hearing in the courtroom. I just pray to the Lord that they lay to rest a very tired young woman who inherited a boat load of money and now her child is the baby sitter of that money who needs a baby sitter who will need a baby sitter until the child is no longer a baby. I do hope you got that

More..

Well for now, That’s The Lazlo Report for Thursday February 22, 2007

Some Day’s It Just Does, Oh Yeah, The Bank of America Deal

2007-02-20T23:16:00.000-05:00

“It” being shit and it some days shit just happens. Yep, shit just does and it happens to me allot these days.

I had this tattoo put on my left arm several years ago but I did it as a joke. It was the finished piece to the court jester also on my left arm, or so I thought, that I had tattooed there probably twenty-five years earlier. You see I am quite the jokester once you get me fired up. I can spin a tale of yarn mighty wide if you give me the started but that’s the kid in me trying to get out. I like that too, it gets me in trouble sometimes and my wife keeps me grounded when I need it. In the past few years after becoming disabled however I had become a bit biter and I know by outside appearances a little, OK allot, gray. I didn’t loose that inner child though; that was still inside of me. Also inside of me was what I call the teaching of my parents. Not necessarily just my mom & dad but them plus what I learned at school and Sunday school. So you have my ultimate parents and my real parents both.

So now as I’ve gotten older and I have found the Lord and I am watching television and I’m getting all pissed off and I have to write a blog about it today and it dawns on me that “hey dude, God is speaking through you today and shit is happening to you today too” So, shit really does happen, wow, what a concept! Not that it’s that entirely complex ya know. I mean I said it pretty well in one of my last blogs. Kids like me and dogs follow me around. I still love the way that sounds, I wish that I had said that, anyway.

This Bank of America deal with them letting illegal immigrants get credit cards here in this country is just wrong. My wife and I have worked hard to achieve the credit that we have and it has taken us years just to do that. In fact it also humbles me to say that I have also had to file bankruptcy in the past and I am on the slow road to recovery from that. So as I see someone like Ben Stein on television spouting his mouth off about how this can be good for the economy I think to myself, “well sure, for you since you have fifty credit cards in your wallet, you could care less.”

Oh I was going to spend allot of time doing research on facts and figures that no one is going to give a rat’s ass about anyway. I could ya know. I have to my disposal the same technology that everyone else has, a pretty large computer, a well sized hard drive and the most important part I understand the subject matter. I’m not saying that I am another Neil Cavuto but it isn’t hard to understand that if you give a bunch of people that haven’t earned credit the chance to have credit before the people who have earned the credit first, the people that have earned the credit first, you know the one’s who helped your bank grow, those people will continue to do their best while the illegal people that you gave credit cards to will run up bogus charges and the legal people will have to bare the brunt of the cost of that cost. The percentage of good apples out of bad ones is about 5% out of 100% so don’t try and feed us that lame “we’re trying to help the poor immigrants south of the border” bullshit. Other immigrants may be a different story but too bad, illegal is illegal, PERIOD!

So listen assholes at Bank of America, I do care and a bunch of people just like me care too. We’ve worked all of our lives to get where we’re at in life not to have you throw it out the window for your corporate greed. Greed is one of the Seven Deadly Sins and whether you want to believe in them or not, for thousands of years greed has taken down kings way bigger than you. It has toppled enter kingdoms my greedy friends. That’s why they call it a “Deadly Sin” It’s not a myth and it’s not something to mess with. Just go back in history and look at every large entity that has ever grown to amass so large of a fortune that they start taking advantage of the people that gave them their start. “bit the hands that fed them”; They got their hands cut off somehow. It doesn’t matter who and how, it just happens someday. I am not warning you, I am just giving you a lesson in history and I am telling your future for you. Personally I don’t have one of your cards and I would never get one. I think you SUCK! But that’s just me and that’s my opinion; and like assholes everyone’s got one.

My wife has asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up lately and I just told her just a few minuets ago. I plan to be another person who stands up for the people when the people can’t stand up for themselves. I plan to spread the word of God at the same time. Just like Martin Luther King he fought for not only Black rights but for all Civil Rights, for all of us. I plan to do the same but with the internet behind me.

Sorry for the spicy language everyone but the old Lazlo is fired up over this one today.

That’s the Lazlo Report for Wensday, February 21 2007

What We're really Fighting For In Afghanistan

2007-02-20T06:36:00.000-05:00

Like a bolt of lightning it just hit me. Why would anyone fight over a desert like Afghanistan if it weren’t for something other than the land? And then it came to me; Have you ever looked at the teeth of those people that they hire to fight along side of the Taliban? Those fuckers are heroin addicts and it’s the poppy fields that they have been really fighting over for centuries.

I mean look at the Russians; The Red Army had fought their war to a military draw but that was not enough to wave off political defeat at home.They had fought from 1979 to 1989 using hit-and-run bloodletting across the war's decade with more than 25,000 dead Soviet soldiers plus a great many more casualties and further demoralizing the USSR on the verge of disintegration.

Before that time there was the British in the Afgan/Anglo war, 1919 and that was the “second” one of those. WHAT? Yep, second one of those, so people have been fighting over the control of this drug for along time but for reason that they don’t want to say, they just don’t call it for drugs. They just call it territory or for land or for whatever but heaven forbid they call it for what it really is.

Good Lord, why is that that drugs have to play a pivotal role in our lives and why is it that they have even before the big drug companies even before they got their start. Personally I have never been to Afghanistan but I’ll bet that now that the US has stepped up it’s efforts to push out the Taliban once again, the heroin sales will once again rise in the United States unless the State Department does something about it and my guess is that they wont. The sale of heroin has been the major export of that country for many years and I doubt that we are going to stop that soon. That and identity theft is big business here especially on the Left Coast.

Not unless we can convince the government there to modernize the production of the heroin, which will drive up the cost, which is OK with me, but will produce many jobs in that country based upon that flower. With that the Taliban will forever be powerless to rule the people but drugs like Oxycontin and Hyrdrocodone will go up for a while. It’s a cost I am willing to barer for my brothers and sister in Afghanistan if people here in the US stand up and make enough noise. Oxycontin is already, what, like $40 a tablet so another 10 isn’t going to hurt the insurance companies any and Hydrocodone is so cheap right now that it will probably just even out.

My point is that opium has been traded for centuries and that poor little country has been shit on long enough. While we’re all worried about our insurance rates and our drug coverage, those folks are over there with AK47’s and M16’s protecting their livelihoods and their children. It scares this hell out of me that it may come to that sometime here.

I have become a soldier of Jesus Christ and of God himself; No, not any sort of militant. I have just seen the light of the Lord into my heart and it feels great. If you read the rest of my blogs, please do, you see that I have become a new man, a born again Christian and I have a new outlook on the surroundings around me. Just like the title of my blogs state. I am reporting on the overall thoughts of myself after watching the world go around each day and watching how people act toward each other, not only in my life but in all of society, today, yesterday and how it will effect the future. Up until a few weeks ago that did not include how I interacted with Jesus Christ and how he played a intricate part in all of this. Well I now understand that he plays a big part in my life as well as everyone that I interact with. He has done so for many years.

Well that’s The Lazlo Report for Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Joke Page

2007-02-19T19:27:00.000-05:00

I will add to this Joke Page but the HTML on the front cover was getting out of hand and I had to clean it up a little. Please email me if you have a joke that you wish published
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A Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, Old Hag!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If only men would listen...

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WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Wednesday, March 21, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays ---
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places and Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost ---
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To BeLate.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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Why We Love Our Children and Why We’d
Love to Ring Their Neck’s Sometimes

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies crabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What did he do?"

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is
even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at
work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won:

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what
we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water
heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It
heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to
the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing
in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could
reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at
the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt
was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
***********************************************************************************
An absolute must read for parents and educators!!!!! SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE This is hilarious - no wonder why the liberal people in California
were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (in California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are now being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes which is ridicules in itself!!

This is the outgoing message: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection;

Press 1 To lie about why your child is absent

Press 10 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work

Press 2 To complain about what we do

Press 3 To swear at staff members

Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you

Press 5 If you want us to raise your child

Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone

Press 7 To request another teacher, for the third time this year

Press 8 To complain about bus transportation

Press 9 To complain about school lunches

Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class
work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

I think they should have added "Oh yeah and If you want this in Spanish, don't press # or * , because you're probably in the wrong country anyway." I think this message should be used nation wide and if pisses people off, GOOD!

***********************************************************************************
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
"Hello?"
"Hi honey This is Daddy
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy She's upstairs in the
bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey,
you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it, Daddy."
“And what happened, honey?" He asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser. And now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
*******Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? ............Is this 486-5731?"

*****************************************************************************

Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and ya 'll
get fired!" She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around
her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore
her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy Bossard stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is
the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy, that's correct.!”
Then she turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I
have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed

One For The Troops

2007-02-18T10:29:00.000-05:00

First of all let me clear something up; when I said the other day that you should be "be nice would ya". As I have said so many times, to follow Jesus Christ and to serve God you don't always have to be nice to people but you should be pleasant. Anyway let's get on with today's blog ok

I hear a lot of News commentary and other means of communication about how average people feel about this war but rarely do I see or hear what the troops have to say unless it's the wrong point of view or it's the same old left wing story of sadness and gloom.What about all of the good that they are doing over there like putting up new schools and new power plants and giving out cloths to their poor just like we do here in our own country? No, that stuff doesn't seem to get on the news because the fact is, is that the media is painting a picture that our military are the bad guys and the insurgencies are the victims. That couldn't have been done better if the Sundance Channel had been the producers themselves.

What we need is to use the 'Real Network' to actually show what reality is all about when it comes to what a radical Muslim is all about; Cutting off the head of Daniel Pearl is a great example. When's the last time you saw anyone put on any real torture that those people really do instead of them blaming us for things like roughing up some guards and humiliating them sexually like we did at Abu Grab. Think about it, that's all we did, sexually harass a few of their guys and they cut heads off; AND WE'RE THE BAD GUYS?

People like Nancy-girl Pelosi and Teddy Kennedy need to pull their head out of their respective butts and reread that to themselves. We embarrass them and they cut heads off. That is when I call a normal human of reasonable intelligence completely retarded. They just don't seem to get it. And by the way when these people shoot off their mouth about a pole taken about how 68% of Americans feel about how President Bush is doing his job or not on the war on terror; HEY! That's 68% of the people that they picked to talk to, get it, THEY PICKED THE PEOPLE! The pole is rigged. I could go to Detroit and ask the same question and get a worse rating where as I could go and ask the pole in parts of the Bible belt and get a completely different number. Remember, America voted for Taylor Hicks, now rewatch American Idle One and watch Kelly Clarkston and then you tell me that Mr. Hicks isn't a joke. I just watched it last night and I was amazed with the difference in talent.

Another thing they don’t get is the fact that world history has a track record of repeating itself. It’s done it for thousands of years. Back before World War II Germany was bent on taking over the world, and the total slaughter of every Jew, just like Iran is today. Then Japan jumped in and bombed Pearl Harbor and killed several thousand people just like a few Syrians, a couple of Jordanians training in Iraq working along for Hezbollah and Al Qaeda did by crashing airliners into three of our US buildings on 9/11 and another in a field that was headed for the Capital or the Whitehouse.

Just like the Arms Race then, we can not let the bad guys get the biggest badass weapon of all time again because this time these crazy fucks will use it. They don't have the same sense of fair play that the Russians had back in the 1950's. They don't see the world in geopolitical terms. They see it in georeligious terms; if there ever was such a word but the definition being that they want the destruction of every other religion and only those of Muslim faith shall populate the earth when they are done. The Geneva Convention is a joke to them unlike honorable people like the Japanese and we hope the Chinese. They see only the total destruction of America and all that it stands for regardless of what hype they spin on TV and anyone that buys their bullshit is a fool. It's like trusting the Nazis with your Jewish children.

Any of the service men or women that I have spoken to that have come home has told me that first of all they didn't want to leave their buddies there. They also knew exactly why they were there and it was not for the reasons that most of the News keeps talking about. They tell me that it's the politicians that are lying, that I can believe. Now that there is a larger presence over there they defiantly don't want to leave because they know we can win and they don't want politicians slanted to the left to starve them out or do something equally as stupid as that. By the way when we're sort of on the subject but not really, it was President Bush's ADVISERS who told him that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He did not personally go over there and start flipping rocks. Does anyone think that he did that? Is America and the people that they hired to run this country that stupid? As I recall it was that dude that is now pissed at President Bush because someone else, again, someone else, supposedly leaked his wife's low-level name to the press and now he wants revenge; REVENGE, what a dick!

Listen, Shouldn't President Bush get the benefit of the doubt? As the President's actions was being debated at the United Nations, it was also being debated on shows like Fox news and CNN, both of which I watched allot at the time. On several occasions, I thought for myself the following questions: Should we believe the President of the United States? My answer was that we should give the President the benefit of the doubt, for several reasons deriving from the usual procedures that have operated in every modern White House and that, I assumed, had to be operating in the Bush White House, too.

First, I assume that these statements had all been carefully considered and crafted. Presidential statements are the result of a process, not a moment's thought. White House speechwriters process raw information, and their statements are passed on to senior aides who have both substantive knowledge and political insights. And this all occurs before the statement ever reaches the President for his own review and possible revision.

Second, at least as I and a professor Dean, whom I am getting some of this information off of his website; at least in every White House and administration with which I was familiar, from Truman to Clinton, statements with national security implications were the most carefully considered of all. The White House is aware that, in making these statements, the President is speaking not only to the nation, but also to the world.

Third, these statements are typically corrected rapidly if they are later found to be false. And in this case, far from backpedaling from the President's more extreme claims, the President's press secretary, Ari Fleischer had actually, at times, been even more emphatic than the President had. For example, on January 9, 2003, Fleischer stated, during his press briefing, "We know for a fact that there are weapons there."

In addition, others in the Administration were similarly quick to back the President up, in some cases with even more unequivocal statements. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld repeatedly claimed that Saddam had WMDs, and even went so far as to claim he knew "where they are; they're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad."

Finally, as I understand it, the political risk was so great that, it was inconceivable that the President would make these statements if he didn't have complete solid intelligence to back him up. Presidents do not stick their necks out only to have them chopped off by political opponents on an issue as important as this, and if there was any doubt, I think, the Presidential political advisers would be have telling him to hedge. Rather than stating a matter as fact, he would have been saying: "I have been advised," or "Our intelligence reports strongly suggest," or some such similar shit. But he didn't. Maybe that is where he went wrong but to me the fast still remains that it was his advisers that told him that the stuff was over there.

So what are we now to conclude if the President's statements are found to be as inaccurate as they currently appear to have been? After all, no weapons of mass destruction have been found, and given the President's statements, they should not have been very hard to find - for they existed in large quantities, "thousands of tons" of chemical weapons alone. Moreover, according to the statements, telltale facilities, groups of scientists who could testify, and production equipment also existed.

I have two answers for the weapons of mass destruction; on the matter of the chemical weapons. Sure, it's a fact that throughout Operation Freedom's penetration of Iraq and drive toward Baghdad, the search for WMDs continued. None were found. And as the coalition forces gained control of Iraqi cities and countryside, special search teams were dispatched to look for WMDs. None were found.

Undersecretary of State for Arms Control and International Security John Bolton, while offering no new evidence, assured Congress that WMDs will indeed be found. And he advised that a new unit called the Iraq Survey Group, composed of some 1400 experts and technicians from around the world, is being deployed to assist in the searching.

But, as Time magazine reported, the leads are running out. According to Time, the Marine general in charge explained that "we've been to virtually every ammunition supply point between the Kuwaiti border and Baghdad," and remarked flatly, "They're simply not there."

Well the answer is clear; they were taken over the boarders of Syria and Iran. There is so much evidence to support this that it is overwhelming America has entered a new age of pre-emption; when it must strike first because it cannot afford to find out later if terrorists possess nuclear or biological weapons, exact intelligence is critical. How will the United States take out a mad despot or a nuclear bomb hidden in a cave if the CIA can't say for sure where they are? And how will Bush be able to maintain support at home and abroad?"

In an apparent attempt to bolster the President's credibility, and his own, Secretary Rumsfeld himself had now called for a Defense Department investigation into what had went wrong with the pre-war intelligence. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd found this effort about on par with O. J.'s looking for his wife's killer. But there may be a difference: Unless the members of the Administration can find someone else to blame; informants, surveillance technology, lower-level personnel, you name it, they may not escape fault themselves.

To put it more clearly, if the President had taken Congress and the Nation into war based upon bogus information, he would have been cooked. Manipulation or deliberate misuse of national security intelligence data, if proven, could be "a high crime" under the Constitution's impeachment clause. It would also be a violation of federal criminal law, including the broad federal anti-conspiracy statute, which renders it a felony "to defraud the United States, or any agency thereof in any manner or for any purpose." But he didn't as I said, he looked to his advisers to tell his what to do and he acted upon that information. These bone heads at the New York Times just want to put a nail in his coffin whenever they can and that is such bullshit.

And one more point I want to make on this cold and snowy day in the Midwest. If you check out the big name Hollywood Networks right now like Turner Classic Movies and the one’s that play the old time stuff, you find that they are all playing in waves a lot of the old war movies but not just the shoot’em up ones and on the Western Channel they’re also playing a certain brand of old time classic movies too. It’s the patriotic classics, the ones that make you proud to be an American and proud to hear the Star Spangle Banner, not to mention the National Anthem. The reasons are probably because they know something is going to happen, soon, and they want us to know so we can be prepared without spouting off the same old dribble as their elitist counterparts within the acting community who don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground because whether we want to admit it or not, many of the top brass in Hollywood and New York is and always shall be of Jewish faith and may God bless them for that.

Ah hell I just get bent out of shape when it comes to the men and women that serve our country and some of the shabby treatment that they get from both sides of the isle right now but at the same time my love of the Lord and my wife both do a great job at to keeping me grounded.

That's The Lazlo Report for February 18, 2007

My Epiphany

2007-02-17T03:37:00.000-05:00

By reading something in a book I recently bought and by listening to an audio clip made several decades ago by Abbott and Costello, the one called Who’s On First, it is easy now to believe in the Lord and to clearly see for the first time what He has for me in the future.

If you listen to the clip, and I hope you do, the question and answer is Who, First Base remains to be faith and all you have to do is round the track of life with God nearing each base and God is not only the question but also the answer. That’s what was so funny about the skit because poor Lou seemed to get upset by the notion that you couldn’t answer a question with another question or in this case the answer. Isn’t that what people have told you in the past? Life is that simple dude and dudettes, a goddamn skit about a game of baseball. AHH Blasphemy!! No I didn't; I didn't capitalize His name and that's the difference. Grow up people.

We all are searching for an answer to our questions of Who, what and where but we get frustrated when we are given the answer that is right there in front of our faces. That is the premise of the skit and that of life. God is the answer as well as the question in every facet of your life and all you have to do is to stop thinking in one dimensional thinking and open up to the word of the Lord.

I urge you to bring up another browser and to listen to the Abbott and Costello routine at http://www.abbottandcostello.net/ I also urge to go out and buy Stephen Baldwin’s book at Amazon or directly at his site at http://www.stephenbaldwin.com. I give these two plugs free of charge because I am walking with the Lord these days and not with my pocket book. I have tried to contact Mr. Baldwin with an idea about a new of a T.V. series that will be just as well written, entertaining, suspenseful and successful as the X-Files. (As an example) I had also picked him as the star of this "PG" rated TV show in which there is no crappy political agenda, there is no partial nudity but the ages 14 to 35 will love this show, and there is no reason for bleeping out any language because Jesus Christ did not speak English. The main message of the show however is to teach the word of God and the story of the Bible (subliminally) I can’t say much more or I will blow it. We will take our script to the censor on that basis, "Jesus didn’t speak English" so if we don't use a word against another person, it isn't cussing. We just do little shit like that sparingly, get it? If and when he gets back to me it's fine because I now see that my mission is bigger than him and bigger than I could have imagined.

I must go out into the world and take the word of God with me. I must keep writing this blog to reach as many of you as I can to spread His word. “Shucks, I may be a simple man but kids like me and dogs follow me around;” I love that, I heard that on a Twilight Zone, but it’s true for me. I really am just a simple guy with a simple message; Love God. Be good to yourself and to others. It’s not such a hard thing to do, shit we all learned how to be good as little kids when we wanted something from our parents right? Well God and Jesus are our ultimate parents and if we want salvation then we must act like decent human beings and He will give us those things.

I ain’t saying that every day is a bed of roses. Everybody has a bad day and has to deal with assholes, I know I do, but my point is that even that person is the son or daughter of God so try and be nice would ya? As you can tell I am no Shakespeare when it comes to preaching the word of God. I use language that may not be appropriate in some cases; and I do know when not to use such words of the English language. There just comes a time when you have to throw off the gloves and say THAT’S IT! I can’t take this shit any longer and just start typing. That’s what I have been doing for years but I didn’t know it until just a few weeks ago. God has been telling me what to do and has guided me into this very moment. GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY!!!

Well, my fingers are tired and I have other things on my mind right now but as I said please go to those sites and pick up what I said, you won’t be disappointed.

That’s the Lazlo Report for Saturday February 17, 2007

The War is Getting Even More Local

2007-02-15T08:54:00.000-05:00

Ben Carnahan, Oakwood Ohio graduated from high school just last year and finished boot camp just a few months ago. He got the word just a few short weeks ago that he was off to Iraq and he is gone now. He’s over there not knowing much but he’s a full fledged ass kicking US Marine and you can bet that Ben will be coming home when his tour is over.

I’ve known Ben since he was just a small kid and he was bouncing off of the walls at his dad and step-mom’s house here in the town that I live in. His real mother lives in the town just near to us and I swear that she is a great American and while I may not know her very well I’m pretty sure that Ben got a lot of his teaching of honor and honesty from her. She is right now on a …Oh wait, I don’t want to spoil a birthday surprise!!

Anyway, Ben was the sort of kid who got pretty good grades and was pretty good at the computer, mainly because his dad built them and I can profess to that because I was down there allot helping him or he was helping me build computers from scratch and we could also write primitive programs. As a matter of fact many people from the neighborhood would come over to our houses to get a computer fixed or call Ben’s dad for advice so much that Ben picked up on it and began learning how to answer the questions himself.

As for what he does in the U.S. Marines I don’t know yet but I will edit this page when I get the information. Just check back as often as you like and read the comments from Ben and others, hopefully he will see this and his pals over in Iraq won’t razz his ass too much. We do love you Ben, you know who Mr. & Mrs. Lazlo are, just don’t publish our real names please. By the way Ben, I got rid of that crappy old van and got myself a bitchen new Pontiac Grand Prix, fully loaded…it’s even got a 1000 watt sound system, an old fart like me with something like that :-)

That’s The Lazlo Report for February 15, 2007

Lazlo on the Beatles into the 12st Century

2007-02-14T00:31:00.000-05:00

So who doesn’t still love the Fav four? Anyone in the age group between 35 to 70 can still pick out their favorite song by the band that took America by surprise in the 1960s. but it’s the release for our newer generations that I guess we’re all counting on to bring their music to a new generation and into the 21st century bigger and just as big as they were over 50 years ago. If I were a total snob I would take credit for the next couple of pages but I can’t. I found allot of what you’ll read, plus my comments, at an anthology site; so my blog readers, please enjoy.

In the Christmas season of 2000, the hottest-selling CD in America consisted entirely of music by a rock band that stopped recording more than 30 years ago. The Beatles’ “1,” a compilation of 27 hit songs from the band’s seven-year run atop the charts in the 1960s, sold over five million copies in the last few weeks of the year. It sat at number one in the “Billboard 200” for eight weeks, and as of this writing has spent six months on the charts, reaching more than seven million units sold. (Worldwide sales are said to have topped 20 million.) While this success is unique--every other CD with comparable commercial success in recent years has been by a currently active group or performer--it is not surprising. The Beatles’ three double-CD “Anthology” releases in 1995-96, which offered a variety of out-takes and alternate versions of their songs, were all on the Billboard charts for months. And their long-awaited book, The Beatles Anthology, was among the best-selling books of 2000, selling over a million copies. In short, the unequalled popularity and success that the Beatles enjoyed nearly four decades ago show no real signs of abating.

Allot of explanations have been offered for the unprecedented explosion of fan crazyness in the 60s that everyone called Beatlemania. Some writers said that the Beatles benefited from good luck: they unwittingly capitalized on the existence of an unusually large and increasingly affluent cohort of teenagers, the marketing potential of which was just beginning to be understood. (Even the use of the term “teenager” dates back only to the 1940s, when advertisers first began to target young people as a distinct market in their own right.) Another view is that the Beatles were valued primarily for their charisma and visual image: their mop-top hair (a symbol of rebellion in the stiff world of 1963) combined with suits and ties made them threatening but not too threatening, and their offbeat, witty replies to questions from the press won over even the most cynical reporters. Still other people still argue that their fans just loved the them because their of music, while not perhaps all that great, it was still vastly better than what else was playing on Top-40 radio at the time. (Anyone who can bring to mind the Singing Nun’s rendition of “Dominique,” which was a number-one hit for weeks in 1963, will scarcely dispute this proposition.) Lazlo’s wife, after using the bathroom at the conclusion of the show, had the same feeling about Bettlemania as did I, it needed some work on stage the first time I saw it but the music itself was timeless.

But none of these explanations can account for the great success of the Beatles in 2001. Nor is it merely the group’s aging fans from the 1960s who continue to buy their music. For one thing, the new “No. 1” CD is merely a repackaging of favorite songs from CDs that most older fans have owned since the late 1980s, when they first became available in that format. And the constant presence of the Beatles on the playlists of a wide variety of radio stations, not just those that play classic rock of the 1960s, makes clear that young listeners in the new century are still responding to--and buying--the Beatles’ music, along with their books and calendars.

We need to consider what may be breathtakingly obvious: that the Beatles survive today because of the music itself. The group’s music continues to be heard, and continues to delight listeners, because it is some of the best music of the last century. Just as it stood out from most of the popular music being made around it in the 1960s, it continues to be more rewarding and sometimes more challenging than most of the popular music being created in 2001, or in the 40 years in between. The word “challenging” is crucial, because our culture values most highly those works of art that offer a degree of challenging complexity. We tire quickly of pieces of music that reveal themselves fully on first hearing and cherish those (whether popular or classical) that seem to offer new details as we listen to them over and over.

In their seven years of recording, the Beatles exhibited an astonishing degree of stylistic development--a comparison to other great artists of the last century, like Picasso or Stravinsky, is not far-fetched. Their early music was straightforward but electrifying, a fiercely energetic presentation of American blues styles (think of “I Saw Her Standing There”). It was a revelation to white audiences, here and in Britain (as Elvis Presley’s take on the same elements of African American music had been nearly a decade before). But this early Beatles music is for the most part not what continues to be heard and admired today. Listeners are attracted to the greater richness of their later music: songs like “Eleanor Rigby,” which treated subjects largely foreign to rock and roll (death, social alienation) and which employed classical string instruments rather than the guitars and drums of the rock band. Then came the songs, psychedelic both in inspiration and in effect, that explored unfamiliar states of consciousness with cryptic words and innovative new sounds and textures: “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” say, or “Strawberry Fields Forever.” The most memorable song on their most memorable album (“Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”) is “A Day in the Life.” With its juxtaposition of instrumental combinations (the acoustic guitar, the full rock band, the symphony orchestra) and its unprecedented form, the song painted a disturbing picture of modern life in the world of mass culture, culminating in the nightmarish explosion of its final chord--a brilliant, wordless comment about our fearful lives in the age of the Bomb.

By the end of their careers, the Beatles had utterly demolished any limits on what rock music could be. They created children’s songs (“Yellow Submarine”), tunes inspired by 1920s vaudeville (“When I’m Sixty-Four”), screaming hard rock (“Helter Skelter”), acoustic ballads (“Blackbird”), sophisticated multi-song medleys (on the B side of Abbey Road) and avant-garde sound collages (“Revolution 9”). But what has not been remarked on enough are the more subtle complexities of their music--for example the way that successive choruses of a song are enriched with additional musical elements, so that each return of the “same” music offers more to the ear.
In Lennon’s famous and controversial “Revolution 1,” from the White Album, the group makes subtle changes in texture both between verses and within each verse, nearly always by adding new elements. As the song progresses, the ironic “shoo-be-doo-wah” back-up vocal appears more and more frequently, along with harmonized singing of what was at first a solo melody. An added brass section, initially quite discreet, takes an increasingly active role; by the third verse it is playing jaunty syncopated chords that decisively undercut the serious message of the words. The effect is that the song’s meaning actually appears to change, from a preaching sincerity to a kind of light-hearted rejection of the political world. Another sort of hidden complexity is illustrated by the back-up vocals of “Paperback Writer.” At first, we notice only that they are sung high, in the falsetto range. But after a few more listening’s, we hear that the back-up voices are actually singing the children’s song “Frere Jacques”--perhaps an ironic commentary on the adult ambitions of the song’s protagonist.

Finally, these two examples illustrate an attribute of the Beatles’ music that should not be undervalued: its humor. A great deal of music created for or by adolescents is earnest, sometimes appallingly so. But the Beatles knew how to be serious without being earnest (for instance, in Lennon’s moving “In My Life”), and a great many of the Beatles’ great songs have a kind of unspoken wink to them--they remind us that life and music are supposed to be fun, “nothing to get hung up about.” In their extraordinary range of styles, the combination of sophistication and accessibility in their music, and their light-hearted spirit, the Beatles created a body of work that survives on its merits. Like the music of other great artists of the past (be it Duke Ellington or Ludwig van Beethoven), it will continue to be heard and appreciated for many generations to come.
Credit must be given to the man who helped write most of this article. I found this on the web at an Anthology website by I found it so important to share that I just copied and pasted allot of it. It’s not plagiarism unless I say that it was my own. It has such great information about the Beatles that I needed to share it will all of you. The bummer is that I can’t remember who it was or I would have pasted his or her link.

The only criticism here is that I played Paper Back Writer over and over and I did not hear Frere Jacques in the background. All of the other subtle things, well I knew of them already but, I was able to teach my 15yrld niece and she was a better person for it and I could tell already because the next thing I know she was asking me to download some Beetles songs for her MP3 player only a short three days later.
The Beatles will live on, for centuries I hope and for me I hope to be writing about them for at least a couple of more decades. My hearing is getting worse by the day but recently I bought a new car and in it I got me a 1000 watt stereo system and put my Beatles CDs. It comforts me to know that I will be able to listen to them for many more years to come even if the car stops running the music will play on and on. Cars may come and go but Rock & Roll will live forever.

That’s The Lazlo Report for February 14, EST 2007

A Declaration of Independence to All and to All a Goodnight

2007-02-13T13:20:00.000-05:00

No, not goodbye to you, my loyal fans of The Lazlo Repot, that’s not what I mean at all. While I have been a bit busy as of late and missed a few posts here and there I have no plans as of yet to stop producing my blog. No, It’s the blood suckers and the hanger-on’s in my life that I’m talking about ever since the word of God found came inside of me and brought forth such an energy that frankly Mrs. Hoffstedder and I have enjoyed good luck ever since and we are not looking back to find out who is trailing behind us. Fuck’m

(remember Jesus doesn’t speak English)

For way too many years, too many than I want to remember, she and I have taken care of one person or another in our personal lives and it has effected us dramatically. Remember we have been living together for 25 years and married for 22. Be it a girlfriend of one of my children to one of her relatives or in the last several years it’s been my children or her niece but the point is that we have had someone else in our lives for over twenty years. That’s someone else living in our home folks besides Mrs. Lazlo after our children have grown up.

To make matters worse we were the sort of people that would help anyone because we knew that some day it would be our turn and the Lord would pay us back for our hard work and dedication to him. Well, we feel that the time has come and we’re taking it.

We’ve sold my old vehicle to my wife’s brother for little money since that’s what he has, and I bought myself a new car for the first time ever. We will never again take in someone to live with us here at our home, we are finally a couple again and it feels good. The only one other than my wife that I have any sort feelings for is my niece who has a multitude of problems. Not to say that this fine upstanding little teenager doesn’t deserve to be shipped back off to her crack-head mother, who lives in Las Vegas and probably only wants the girl to come there and become a call girl too, because she does, but her life has been torn between two parents that had little or no education, the mother of the child did drugs and had sex in front of her at such an early age that this was a prerequisite to her training later in life, she now lives in poverty (or so she thinks) and to make matters worse she is an exact copy of her rude and crude, foul-mouth mother.

She is so out of control that she has called the police on her father for supposedly hitting her when all he did was to threaten her. She not only tells him to “Go ahead and hit me I’ll just have you thrown in jail again” that she now tells him that “she’s glad to be going to Las Vegas where her mother’s boyfriend will be her new father”; daddy is more like it. I hate to say it because she’s only fifteen but a hearty good ridden to a problem that will haunt him for many years to come. This is the same sweet child that we tried our best with for over nine months with when her brother went to jail. I spent hours coming up with ways of working with teachers and projects here at home trying to bring her grades up, it’s all now a waste of time, well I hope not. I hope some day she remembers us.

Our twenty-five year old son also took us down a similar path but not with such evil varsity. His was just plain old fashioned laziness mixed with pot smoking, beer drinking and loosing jobs so we were stuck with a perpetual looser or so we thought. One day, not too long ago, he was told that if he was lying about having a job to not even to come home that day. Well we haven’t seen him in over seven months and we’ve made it clear through his so-called friends that he is not welcome to move back in with us. We were however looking for him for the first four of those months and once we found him we were just content in knowing that he was alive and was not in jail. Imagine how a parent feels that their child just bails one day after living with them for years. Years of buying yourself cars that get broken by your son. Years of loaning them hundreds upon hundreds of dollars knowing that you don’t really want to be paid back you just want to be thanked by a little help around the house but never get any even though you’re disabled. Years of paying all their bills, years of having gone through their kid in jail and the shit that goes with that, taking them $20 a week, him getting beat up and then one day just up and leaving and having no contact for no reason except that this twenty-five year old is a spoiled, lazy, selfish son of a bitch who didn’t learn those traits from me.

For the sake of the boys and because I thought there was some sort of legal reason I never spoke of my divorce before but when I divorced I took custody of my two sons because my fist wife said she wanted her own life and didn’t have time for the boys in hers; with good reason too, I didn’t want to let my boys find out what an asshole their mother was.. I lived in a one bedroom apartment in Palm Desert, California with the woman I left her for. I had caught her sticking her finger down her throat to make herself throw up when we argued and then would say “see how upset you made me”. She was also a terrible mother who didn’t like changing diapers and made me do it all the time, which I didn’t mind since they were my own children but all the time, come on!
I had had enough and left. Shortly after she literally dumped the kids on our doorsteps one weekend and I had no choice but to file for custody.

When my present wife and I moved back east the first wife and I made an agreement that I would let the boys finish their schooling out at her house and in the summer they would hop on a plane and move back with Mrs. Lazlo and I. That was the third to the last mistake I made concerning her, actually taking the word of this woman because she was lying through her teeth. During the prior three and a half years this woman paid me a sum total of $10 and a $10 poker chip from Laughlin Nevada for child support. I was within my rights to sue her for child support but I didn’t and that was the second to the last mistake.

After I got all moved in and set up with a job back her it was ready for my sons to move here too. To make a long story short, she waited until six months until the day to file abandonment papers to tell the court that I had just left them there in California with her and wasn’t coming back. That Bitch! Nothing was further from the truth and I hopped on an air plane to California where I met with an attorney who advised me to go to Indo court, get my custody papers, to take a CHP with me, and go over and get my kids. Because I didn’t want to use the police in a custody battle with her and I chickened out, and I suppose she was betting on that. I regret that to this day, however I did that for my son’s sake and I don’t regret that.

What I do regret is that they were raised by a pot smoker and a woman who didn’t really want them anyway she just didn’t want me to have them. Although my oldest son is a really nice boy now, is married to a very nice young lady and is headed in the right direction, she had his head full of all sorts of bullshit and unfortunately still has a grasp on him with him living in California. Not to say that he isn’t his own man because he is and that’s great. I could never be more proud of a son than I am of him. I’m just worried, as any father should be, that my ex-wife will somehow fuck up his marriage to my new daughter in law and that would be such a shame since they are such a nice couple and she is so nice.

I would have also never raised my younger boy to be a sneaky pot smoker which he learned when he was young because he was hyper active but his punishment was to be locked into his room for it, just for being hyperactive. Now when I was a teenager I used to be just as rambunctious but I wasn’t locked into my room for days on end like he was. He in turned to sneaking out his window and seeking out fellow trouble makers and smoking pot and hash just like his step-father did. He later told us of these stories. When I was his age and I was feeling this way my mother and father would find things for me to do instead of locking me into a room. This is also what I would have done instead of my ex-wife.

But other than the $22,000 that we lost in trying to keep our sons that we eventually had to pay my father back for, the last mistake that I made was in court. Good or bad, win or loose I will not apologize nor will I give that woman the satisfaction of thinking that there is any arrears coming her way; in fact I told the Judge that he could “contempt me until the cows come home but I won’t pay her a dime” but that isn’t it. No, my mistake was calling her a bitch in the arbitration that they make you do in a custody trial. The mediator was a woman and as soon as I asked why she had to be such a cold hearted bitch about everything, my case was lost. I had no chance from that moment forward. There was monitored visitations set up, the whole shebang.

However I got the last laugh because when both of my boys turned eighteen they both moved back east with me and told me that they never wanted to live with her anyway so I was happy. The only drawback from this is that my ex-wife has not returned a phone call nor an email concerning the boys well being in over twenty years and it further proves that she is not a mother she is just an old bitter man hater that has now gone through her second marriage, countless boyfriends and so many fake illnesses that some have came full circle and she is using the same ones again.

This is the complete opposite of my present wife of over 22 years that I adore and I buy flowers celebrating Wednesdays at times. She may have her small quirks but I love her even more with them than I would without them. Like I side however these are all things that are far behind us and we are not looking back. With the new love of Jesus Christ in my heart, the new car in the driveway and the two of us being a real couple again, life has changed for us and I refuse to others bring us down like they have before.

See ya later hanger on’s, blood suckers and the rest. We won’t be your stepping stone any longer. We may be your friend, we may give you advice, we may even point you in the right direction but don’t ask for much more than that because otherwise you’re asking us to be rude and that would not only be unfair to you but it would be unfair to us, even more so.

That’s the Lazlo Report for February 13, 2007

American Press International Reports on The Lazlo Report.

2007-02-04T11:26:00.000-05:00

American Press International Reports on The Lazlo Report.

“Or at least That’s what I heard” said the writer and founder of the blog himself, Lazlo T. Hofstedder when he awoke to what he thought he was hearing on the radio was an interview between himself and a news reporter from API. Said Hofstedder: “I was absolutely astonished that they had picked up on my blogs so quickly and I’m glad to see that the issues that I write about are finally taken seriously”.

Mr. Hofstedder has been writing this blog for about two months now and with the exception with one crash he tells me there has been smooth sailing with Google’s Blogspot but not so with the ever popular myspace,com. Lazlo asked me to write this article up for him just in case the rumor was indeed was true and they had taken a look at his so he was not accused of bloviating on his blog site. “Oh neewww, not me” He said, when just asked to comment on the subject.

Lazlo has written several different blogs on several different subjects but I suppose that my favorite has to be the one on the 29th of last month titled bloviating Somebody Is Taking Away the Seven Deadly Sins and it Pisses Me Off but again Jesus Christ Doesn’t Speak English in which he best represents his case how an evil force in the United States breaking down our society in a way that is against everything that we used to believe in when we were kids and that was not too long ago. I remember the very same thing and I was not a “churchie” either but I was taken to Sunday School every week and why we don’t take our children to Sunday School any more is beyond me.

That’s the Lazlo Report done for Lazlo on Sunday February 4, 2007
Writer, Producer
Anne E. Graham

(Hebrews 11.1) It's Called Faith

2007-01-30T05:18:00.000-05:00

Sorry that I haven’t posted about God in a while. You all will have to excuse me for not posting sooner, and to explain, it will take me just a little time out of this blog but what they hey....... Ya see I have these two really wonderful parents that are both in their mid to late 70s. In the past couple of months I have been going over and spending upwards of three days a week with my mom, just talking to her, or helping my dad with his computer and teaching him the basics. I would teach him so much more but I fear his head would explode. Along with this I have also been trying to keep up with my regular house duties, trying to take care of my wonderful wife of over 21 years, trying to do favors for my friends and all the while I am a disabled person.

Many people don’t know this, and I won’t let this little titbit out again, it can take me up to a couple of weeks to flush out an idea for a blog, research, pictures, Adobe, fact-checking, typing, and then building web pages are just a start, let alone FTPing . This Blog is just one such idea.

Since just before Christmas 06 three things dawned on me:

A) I owe my life to Jesus Christ and my parents and then to myself, in that order
B) That I could be oh so nice or oh so pleasant, I recommend being pleasant.
C) God does not speak English.

These three things to me are the most important things in my life right now so to accept the things above allows me to take care of myself, my wife, and my parents and still be a nice person to other people when I can. It doesn’t however mean that I need to be nice to everyone all the time and that was what I was trying to do. To do that however, I was neglecting other people in my life and, most importantly, my God. It’s sort of a catch22 because although I’m a pretty nice guy, I’m only one man. No one can be expected to be ….oh…I don’t know…. let’s see….a Carpenter….and also be expected to please everyone on earth, it can’t be done. If I could do that I would be Christ like and I am far from that. Like I said, I’m only a man. So I am content with just being myself and taking care of my family as well. I do what I can for others and hope that they don’t expect too much. In the Bible it says that faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you don’t see. (Hebrews 11.1) Bad ass huh?

As far as my statement “God doesn’t speak English”; That dawned on me nearer the new year. As far back as I can remember the Bible was written in Ancient Aramaic, and then translated to Hebrew or the other way around, it doesn’t really matter. In any event, the people that Sailed the Ocean’s Blue in 1492 weren’t Arabian nor Jews or even rogue Romans. I believe they were Brittan’s who were fed up with the crappy laws in England.

They probably brought with them a beautifully embossed copy of the Bible and they incorporated several of the passages, including the Ten Commandments, into the laws that we now know today, like our Constitution and Bill of Rights because the Bible has always been based upon faith, fairness and truth. It’s because of this statement alone that I could care less if people cuss, it’s what they mean by their words that counts. People in politics today have forgotten all of this, at least at the highest levels. (Have I told you all this story? Anyway)

Intellectually I see nothing wrong, nor do I think God would, if you privately told your wife or husband that you wanted to fuck them tonight. However, if you were in an argument and said the same thing it would have a completely different meaning and would be against your partner and God. The same thing can be said for the words “hit on”. Now, “hit on” are not cuss words in English but if used in a hurtful way they are against another person and against God.

This may be hard for some of you to grasp and I apologize. The only way for me to explain is to stick to my opening and the 1492 thing, just think about it. Americans have messed up so many things already and it’s coming to the time that we are going to have to pay the fiddler. That’s probably an expression that you younger folk don’t know but you will come to learn. It comes from a Mother Goose poem The Pied Piper. Read it some time, it teaches us that eventually we all pay the price for following the wrong person blindly.

Well, to all of my friends, “you know who”, oh yeah and lil Jimmy with the gimpy leg, when I have the time I will post again about my religion but rest assured that Lazlo’s heart is alive and well and doing fine. Oh sure, my spinal cord still sucks but I can’t complain, I have a new member on my medical staff, and he doesn’t have a medical license :-)

Ok, it’s.. Jesus Christ…….…goddamn……....you people…..….waddaya stupid ovade?

That’s The Lazlo Report for January 30, 2007

Somebody Is Taking Away the Seven Deadly Sins and it Pisses Me Off but again Jesus Christ Doesn’t Speak English

2007-01-29T18:55:00.000-05:00

(1) Pride/Humility: Seeing ourselves as we are and not comparing ourselves to others is humility. Pride and vanity are competitive. If someone else's pride really bothers you, you have a lot of pride

America isn’t always number one any more while at the same time being able to lend that helping hand. We lack in our children’s test score’s, but we still accept more kids into the classroom with fewer dollars. We lack in having things “made in America” yet we keep purchasing thing that we used to make, like nice cars, from our neighboring countries because the labor is cheaper there and our corporations will make more money. The problem is, those corporations are being bought by international companies so we still loose. Dumb-asses! We lack in border security, holly crap I don’t even need to explain that one. The fact is that there are other countries that have much more pride then ours now but there used to be a day when we had both pride and humility and that is just so sad.

(2) Envy /Love: Love is patient, love is kind. Love actively seeks the good of others for their sake. Envy resents the good others receive or even might receive. Envy is almost indistinguishable from pride at times.

Everyone likes to be loved. Everyone wants to be loved. The problem as I see it is that in today’s America, the Left Wing Propaganda Machine is feeding us this bullshit that we should be ashamed of ourselves for something and frankly I don’t have anything to be ashamed for. We went through the Great Depression with people selling matches on the street corner because they had pride in themselves. We loved ourselves as a nation and that seems to be gone. It’s OK to love America and say that America stands for the side of all that is nobel in men and all that is holy at the same time. Whether you pray to Jesus Christ or to Buda, the message that all that is good is great is the same message. Love conquers all and people in the 60’s knew that, somehow we can get that feeling back.

(3) Wrath/Anger Kindness: Kindness means taking the tender approach, with patience and compassion. Anger is often our first reaction to the problems of others. Impatience with the faults of others is related to this.

I think that the Media is filling the heads of too many people that we are too angry and have wielded the mighty wrath of the USA for too long. Because of this they pugh the kindness approach way too much. However, this country was founded on kindness and compassion as well as strength so we need a balance of both. Only part of the population with children can relate to this philosophy.

The phrase Proverbial Path to wherever comes from an old English expression. Have you ever wondered how that expression came about? Well think about it; Proverbs. Now, if the Bible had that much influence in our language then it must have been around just abut at the same time that our speech was being translated from whatever language there was at the time too, but then there was these expressions to explain, “proverbial paths”, so where did they get their information? From some one else’s Bible maybe, DUH! So the next time some one suggests that the story of the Bible is a fairy tale or isn’t real you just bring up that little tit bit of information on them OK?

(4) Sloth /Zeal: Zeal is the energetic response of the heart to God's commands. The other sins work together to deaden the spiritual senses so we first become slow to respond to God and then drift completely into the sleep of complacency

Yep, exactly what I’m talking about what is happening. For so long this country balanced the Church and State issue just fine until about the mid 70’s or 80 when activist got into our country and misconstrued our own laws and Constitution to start to make people believe that it was ok to forget about what our founding father used to set up these United States with; They used God in their everyday way of life. It’s written into just about every “older” copy of our documents but there is someone making a sorted effort to almost shred each and every one of those documents one by one.

(5) Avarice/Greed Generosity: This is about more than money. Generosity means letting others get the credit or praise. It is giving without having expectations of the other person. Greed wants to get its "fair share" or a bit more.

American’s have a television show called Deal or No Deal, Who wants to be a Millionaire and a litany of others, the United States produces more millionaires and billionaires than anywhere else in the world, and yet still, less people are giving to the familiar ringing bell, outside of department stores, during Christmas time because of the word Christmas? Go figure that one.

(6) Gluttony/Faith and Temperance: Temperance accepts the natural limits of pleasures and preserves this natural balance. This does not pertain only to food, but to entertainment and other legitimate goods, and even the company of others

Number six is about a couple of things. We are a fat society. We pig out in the malls. We buy in excess and we eat in excess our children are fat and we think they are cute, they’re not, they’re fat. Also, this applies to our faith too doesn’t it? It seems that the Christian faiths, well many faiths, are being systematically dismantled by some sort of outside influence in the world today and it looks allot like the far left media because whatever is being replaced is just an empty shell of what it used to be. The people that I believe in can be and have been so much more.

(7) Lust /Self control: Self control and self mastery prevent pleasure from killing the soul by suffocation. Legitimate pleasures are controlled in the same way an athlete's muscles are: for maximum efficiency without damage. Lust is the self-destructive drive for pleasure out of proportion to its worth. Sex, power, or image can be used well, but they tend to go out of control

Not since the last time that God destroyed our planet has anyone seen such terrible behavior in people that I now see in just about most all people today. There are people that will literally whore themselves out for $2.00 worth of crack or even a $30 Oxycontin pill is the big high now but as back as short of a time as my day, and that was just in the 50’s and 60’s, people were civilized enough to have never thought of whoring themselves out for that little of dope. It wasn’t even publicized that averaged people did drugs let alone had drug problems, let alone whored themselves out, let alone in mass numbers, let alone in mass communities, let alone in mass cities, let alone in a mass number of the states, Let alone it coming in from every puke shithole left wing communist country from every shithole place on earth to descend on us like a plague, a dark infested plague of cancer that can’t be taken out surgically.

I want to know where my Edward R. Morrow is. I want to know when the commies are gonna leave Washington. The Red’s are gonna get out of town. That’s what I want to know. Well, there’s another blog for me sometime, where the hell has Washington gone, when and why? Yeah, and Washington, where the politicians are just a bunch of whores, whoring themselves off these days too, for the lobbyists for large corporations that donate large money to senate finance bills, and the reelection of the person running the scam, the total scam on all Americans at the time, and it’s all one big money scam, or a money game depending how you look upon it. Oh I have them down pat and know them better than they know themselves, but again, that’s another story.

But I guess I am today’s Eddie R. Morrow, telling people that they are brain dead from they eye brow’s up. That the war right now isn’t in rural mid-west Indiana or the streets of Toledo Ohio, they’re in Hollywood and in Lexington, Kentucky again. They’re being fought over the same things that they were being fought over only five decades ago anyway and lets take a good look at that shall we.

Edward R. Morrow designed the first Person to Person, the first one on one interview right? Well if you click on the left to see where that link takes you today, which I did, and I made the link, then it takes you to a Howard Kotch link. They produce Infomercials, which if you really think about it is what a person to person was at that time. But I doubt that Mr. Morrow saw the hand writing on the wall and didn't know that someone else would reverse engineered his idea and then make millions upon millions on it by selling everything from exercise videos to videos about how to make videos.

But that isn’t what has me disturbed about Hollywood and their gang of ninety thieves. No it’s the great institutions of Hollywood like Turner Classic Films giving away thousands of hours of film to persons not from our country in The Young Film Composer’s Competition, absolutely distasteful and that isn’t it either. Now TV Land' putting on M*A*SH*, how could they do that and still have Leave It To Beaver in the same time slot? Mr. Fonzarelli tell me it isn’t so!

And then we have a President that can’t seem to be able to talk to the American people, to just get his message across. If I can tell the story then why can’t he. Seven of the nine high-jacker’s came from Syria but were trained in Iran, the other two were trained in Al Qaeda camps in Iraq. Iraq, President Bush was told, was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction. It’s that simple no other stories needed except that he told the world that “If you harbor or train terrorists we will hunt you down and bring you to justice for killing over 3000 innocent lives on 9/11”, doesn’t anyone remember that? Shit man, it’s all people talk about and now they call the truth a lie, I don’t understand that they are saying that he lied when he said everything that they are saying that he said! What is it that he lied about? That there were weapons of mass destruction? No, his military advisors told him that there were weapons there and he acted upon that information, and the Congress that is blasting him on it VOTED ON IT damnit, what are they fools? I know that I’m not a fool a but they may think I’m a fool but they ain’t fool’n me.

If people don’t get off of their collective ass and do something to stop this madness we are going to loose this great nation of ours and we are going to loose everything that we hold dear in our hearts and in humanity. I believe there are a few good people left out there in America fighting for a just and mighty cause. Sean Hanity isn’t just putting on a show, although he has one to do every day. He has a good message to spread and you should listen to him. But it starts with an open mind and then it begins with closing off the comunistic fear in this country that we now have let in over our borders, and it is real people, the people may be good deap down but their logic and their form of government, to empos it upon us here in the US of A is wrong and will always be wrong as long as we are a free Nation and we can oolny be free if you stand up for your rights and say no to big Government like Democrats stand for. Look on the fron page of this blog and read the Constitution again and again, read it over and over. The main theme that it has is that it shall make no law that is intrusive into your home. That is what your government should stand for and it should be be ran by the people and for the people.

Always!

For now, That’s The Lazlo Report, for January 29, 2007, Goodnight and I Hope That We Even Have a Country in the Morning

Fixing Immigration and Social Security all at the Same Time

2007-01-26T22:10:00.000-05:00

My latest idea could help repair the problem of illegal immigration and identity theft to eventually fix the massive problem that we face in this Nation today.

First of all though, I want to say hello to Pookiekake, my very dear friend from my pals over at Acuwin.com, I have not been over there for a while because I have spent so much time with my mom and dad plus doing this blog but then that is another story all together.

However, our Nation's Social Security program is broken and I think that I have an idea that will work if anyone wants to start a company based upon a logo that I made up logo and around what has been in the farm industry for over a decade or more.

It's called Retinal Eye scanning. And while I have coined this phrase "The Social Security Eye Scan Card." Or better said, for those who aren't up to speed; "SS-Eye". That stands for SSI I’ve made a logo with two SS's and an eyeball. I have a picture of this on my personal page and if you want to see it just click here. Anyone wanting to steal this and make themselves a million or even a billion dollar industry out of it is very welcome to it. All I want is to either be in on the ground floor with whoever starts up this company or just a small amount of credit and maybe some cash down the road; but someone has to be able to put this together.

My main objective though is just to see it work for the betterment of America. I love my country and I am proud to be an American. I don't want that taken away from any of us. I don’t want to have the old woman down the street, or me, have her social Security number used by someone in Mexico or Pakistan or wherever because our government officials are too lazy to get off their asses and do something about the system. Or have the system pay for non Americans getting free health care when they have never paid into the system EVER nor will they ever reach the age of 65 to collect the benefits out of the system either. The private sector has always been able to do better first. That’s why it’s broken and that’s how we can fix it.

Now at my age, and considering the fact that I am disabled, and knowing that I don’t know any body in the government or livestock industry, I would have a hard time doing an upstart of a company on my own. However, there must be plenty of you out there that have contacts that you can put yourselves together and make this happen. Private industry is what this country is based upon anyway. Make a small independent company and then sell your contract to the U.S. Government; you can make millions!!

I'm not saying that it's right, I’m just saying that it might be possable to save the Social Security system that needs to be saved right away and then the illegal worker program that is COMPLELY OUT OF CONTROL in this country so at the same time we can fix both problems without any animosity and without amnesty, just like the president said in the State of the Union speech the other night.

If every legal citizen of the United States has an eye scan on their social security card then there would be no way to forge a card and apply for a job because all businesses would have to be required to have an eye scanner installed to verify people just as I would have to do when I go down to the bank and apply for a loan. Naturally for smaller businesses there would be verification centers to go to set up by the US Government. It would then make it all fair for every persons in America, everyone would have to show their eye into an eye scanner, regardless if they are rich or poor, young or old, yellow or green, black or white. That would set the standard for who gets in or out of our borders. This could also be added to our passports within three years.

We have been using this same technology for several years anyway, well over a decade now, on cattle and other livestock to identify them and count them because the eye is just as accurate as DNA. Yep! Just as accurate as DNA, not that we are anything like cattle and this is some sort of another Orwellian theory or plot, no this is just plain old fashioned cowboy stuff brought in to help out in the time of national disaster. Fingerprints can be obscured by burning them off or by wax overlays but unless you want to poke your eyes out and wear prosthetics and then have a plastic eyeball put in to match up to some fake ID; (which I can see crazy a ass terrorist doing) this idea, I think anyway, can repair the problems we have.

So, if you're interested in using this logo and you want to start a company AND you have contacts with the Federal Government, go ahead and email me at the address listed within these pages so I can work with you. I have other talents besides writing and Adobe. I have ran business' before, one that I owned myself for thirteen years and one in Los Angeles that I left after 12 years as Operations Manager, another that….Hmm, giving out too much personal info.

Otherwise just steal from here and do it on your own and I'll just find you later. Either way it gets done and I'll be happy. America needs it, I need it and you need it. Shit, we all need this type of program to keep us safe from terrorism in the future and to keep our children and their children safe from people that we don’t want coming in over the border. It’s been too many years that America has been down-sizing itself in class. It’s about time that we do something about it and at least this program is a head start on giving American’s just that, CLASS. With that comes pride, togetherness, fellowship, honor, and most of all respect. Respect for another human being is one of the most basic needs and wants of every human being on the planet but we as a nation can’t even seem to teach our own Goddamn children anything about it. You got little kids in the mall telling their mother’s to fuck off and I am absolutely baffled by this behavior thinking that it’s the parenting that brought this on. Good Lord, in my day I would have gotten my mouth washed out with soap and that mall would have gone dead silent. Oh man, and then when I got home I would have had to face the wrath my father’s belt!

Sorry, sort of got off tract there, so if you want the idea, just go to my personal page to get it or email me. I would fancy to help because as you can see I am rather passionate about it.

That’s The Lazlo Report for January 26, 2007

Big Tobacco is Bad Business

2007-01-24T21:23:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered what is inside of a cigarette; even those extra-extra-light cigarettes? Well, I have a list of things that the big and small tobacco companies are putting in today’s smokes and I guarantee that it will probably make you puke, that is if you are a smoker. I was once and it made me stop smoking commercial cigarettes about as fast as I read the list.

I’m not a crazy non-smoker and I disagree with a lot of these laws about not letting people smoke in some places. I say that if it’s your bar and you want smoking in it then it’s your call. People go to bars expecting booze and smoke and if they want a bar without smoking then look one up in the yellow pages. However, I can go along with no smoking in restaurants so long as it’s always been a no smoking restaurant. If the clientele come there to smoke then there needs to be a sign outside that reads “This is a Smoking Establishment”.

But back to the list, here is a list of the insane things that the tobacco companies put into commercial tobacco that people smoke;

Acetone: nail polish remover
Ammonia: household cleaner
Angelica root extract: known to cause cancer in animals
Arsenic: used in rat poisons
Butane: gas, used in lighters
Carbon monoxide: poisonous gas
Cadmium: used in batteries
Cyanide: DEADLY POISON
DDT: a banned insecticide
Ethyl Futoate: causes liver damage in animals
Formaldehyde: used to preserve dead things
Hydrazine: rocket fuel
Napthalene: ingredient in mothballs
Lead: poisonous in high doses
Methoprene: insecticide
Polonium: cancer causing radioactive element
Nicotine: Although they can survive a nuclear bomb, nicotine can kill cockroaches
Methyl isocyanate: In 1984, it’s accidental release in gas form killed 2000 people in Bhopal India

That is just the short list too! Good Lord people, when I saw that list for the first time I did try to quit smoking, again, as I have so many times before, with the gum and the patches but I just couldn’t do it.

What I turned to was something quite different and while I do not promote smoking, nor do I suggest anyone go out and start smoking, I defiantly think that going with Natural Tobacco is the way to go because it has none of the chemicals above and because it will save you about $3.40 a pack. If you smoke even the cheaper brands like I did, that’s like $102 per month in savings or over $1,200.00 per year.

The brand I smoke is Farmer’s Gold but there are several out there and then they make these pre-fab tubes that you use to push the tobacco into with a handy-dandy cool little tool that takes about twenty seconds to make one smoke once you get the hang of it. Like I said, I don’t promote smoking but if you do, and there are millions of people who do, it’s a far far better way to do it. Sorry to promote them and only put their link but I really didn’t have the time today to put a bunch of links on today’s Blog. Anywho, they’re all about the same. (bulk tobacco I mean)

What bothers me is that there must have been a meeting at some point at which some Executives met and had to decide what to do with all, or may just one of, the chemicals that I listed above. HHmmmm. Let’s see, when did someone decide to put cadmium into cigarettes? I thought that this was just used in batteries but I have literature from the Mayo Clinic that says differently. Sounds like somebody’s lying . . . . Oh heavens no, the tobacco companies lie to us? No way!

Used to preserve dead animals, Formaldehyde; hmmm, now here’s another good one, now why would anyone put this particular chemical into a product unless they were just asking them to: “Hey, ya’ll just wanna burn that shit into the air fur us in yur cigarettes, that’d be real great, hey thanks man here’s a million dollars”. And I think it probably went about that quick of a meeting or a phone call. I’m not shitting you. You try and figure it out because I can’t and go up against big tobacco and you’ll probably get your ass kicked or worse.

There’s a couple that I can explain like the Butane that is used to keep the paper lit continually as the cigarette burns, that one makes some sense but the rest of them and then there’s good old Nicotine that brews up naturally in tobacco anyway but in Natural Tobacco it is far less than what is in the commercial because no is added. Good God they think we are all mindless goobers or something, well I have news for them, we’re not. We’re smart moe-foe’s with an attitude and we give a shit these days about our health.

And don’t start charging us more for this now moderately low priced stuff, speaking for myself anyway, I won’t stand for it. I will write to my Congressmen and to some Senators just to blow the whistle on big tobacco at some point. But I won’t for now. Nope, not me, for now I am just gonna be sit’n back and enjoying myself a rolled, naturally grown, tobacco cigarette in the comfort of my own home as I do my Blog each and every day. I may not smoke as much anymore but what I do smoke isn’t mixed with my kids chemistry set either.

That’s The Lazlo Report for January 24, 2007

The Unusual Suspect

2007-01-23T20:12:00.003-05:00

For the rest of the off time that I had, It has been spent reading Stephen Baldwin’s new book The Unusual Suspect. At first I was a little skeptical about a Baldwin becoming a Christian but the more I read, the more I see myself in his story.

Well, no I haven’t made millions making movies, playing everything from a hit man to a teenage littler-bugging boob, but I do see allot of my own childhood in him as I read his book. The way in which he grew up in a loving family was similar and had loving and suportive parents too.

I was also temped several times by the devil in several different situations that as I look back on them now seemed perfectly harmless but could have turned into such disaster that I would have sold my soul for sure, or at least lost my wife and children and gone to prison.

His description of his brother’s fight with his devils are worth mentioning because my brother lost his fight twenty-four years ago and although the devil took him, I will always love the lord that much more and miss my brother more than ever knowing that I will see my bro someday soon.

He also tells of his plight with his twelve step program and what an impact the third step made on him not to mention him wanting to stop drinking during which time I did too much earlier in my life. (I'm a little older that Stephen B by a coule of years) It was then that I knew in my heart of hearts that God was speaking to me in a way that I didn’t fully understand at the time but I do know now. God does have a mission and a plan for all of us set up by Him before birth to do His work for Him while we’re here and for some of us it just takes a bit longer for the plans to be revealed.

I was once out of town in a hotel room, a twice a week thing for me with the job I had, and even though I had been married for just a short time to my second wife I was still drinking, I was offered a line of cocaine with I gladly accepted, I went into the hotel room of this fellow traveler at the hotel and upon entering she removed her bathing suit top because we were out by the pool at the time. She looked over to me after we did our lines and asked me if I wanted to get lucky that night. Now I had a decision to make. I could have easily gotten away with cheating on my wife but God would have known and I would have known and I just had to tell her thank you for the drugs, (hey I was just being polite) that she had spectacular breasts, but that I was married and so no thank you. She then asked me if I wanted to go back to the pool and I gladly accepted and we spent another half an hour until the hotel people kicked us out for being out there too late.

The reason I tell this story is that I too had to deal with temptations just after learning that particular step in my program too and there’s more that I can relate to throughout his book, for me though the AA meetings were just a bunch of caffeine addicted folks and people smoking cigarettes so much that I almost couldn’t breath. The state that required it also used to take your word about going and now it’s all one big money making machine for MAD that state (not Ohio but they don’t get off scott free either) I’m not anti Mad or anti AA, they’re both good organizations but I found that inner strength was far more powerful than what I was learning out of a book. I had a monkey on my shoulder and I had to shake it, shake it like a Polaroid.

That's The Lazlo Report for January 23, 2007

I Just Have To Get Away From It Sometime

2007-01-22T19:37:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you say to yourself “screw this”, ya know? “I’ve had enough of all of the politics and doom all the time” so this blog is going to be a little different for a change and I am just going to type for the sake of typing.

For those of you who know me well, and there are many, I do this a lot where I go off on a tangent and just type as I think. No editing, no fact-checking, no spell check (well ok Microsoft does the spell checking) but anyway I do just sit here at my keyboard and as I think I put it up there on the screen and if it isn’t retarded then I’ll go ahead and submit it as a Blog. I’ve done it before and I’ll probably do it again.

Most predominant in my life right now is my religion. I have found a new found love for God that is pretty hard to explain. It’s like sticking my head out of a NASCAR window and doing that wind tunnel thing with my mouth while I’m doing 210 mile an hour still knowing that I’ll be perfectly safe but I have no seat belts or whatever they wear.

I grew up in a house where my mom tried to drag us off to church every Sunday until at about age 13 when it started to become a beauty pageant at the Sunday School and when we complained to my dad about it he gave us the reprieve we all as siblings rejoiced. Still, all throughout my life I knew that I was a good guy, I was no preacher, but I was a good guy.

I never got into much trouble except for attention around the hose. While my so-called friends were off cutting school and pinching candy bars from the local 7-11 and Stop-n-Go, sometimes the Circle-K, I was at home talking with my mom trying to figure out how to cook or I was hanging out with my dad as he cleaned out his Laundromats that he had to own just to help raise four kids.

That might sound uppity “had to own Laundromats” but believe me owning four Laundromats wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. He got robbed all the time, the washers broke down allot, I had to go with him all the time to clean lint out of the dryers as well as other cleaning duties that I didn’t want to do. He did a shitload of cleaning himself too on hindsight.

Some of my favorite memories with my dad were at those damn laundries though because even though it was about money, which I gave mostly to him because he needed it more than I did, we set up traps for people’s cash as it ame out of their cloths as they washed it. The washers that were built back in the 1960's had no way of catching any of the coins and paper money that came out of them so my dad and I invented these screens that we fit onto the drains that caught just coins and paper as it came out of machines. Shit like hair and crap would go right by but oh boy we would sometimes make $200 to $250 a weekend in change and bills between the large tub washers down to the large lint catchers on the dryers, Oh-laalaa the dryers back then were a dime ok? Well nevermind........ I feel a little bad now but back then I was in heaven because it made my dad real happy when I paid for dinner for the night. Well, I will pick this up in a day or two but I just had to post sometime today.

Chow my friends

That The Lazlo Report for January 22, 2007

This Is The Real Illegal Problem

2007-01-18T01:56:00.000-05:00

In the United States today we have an estimated 13 million illegal aliens here and most of them have came from south of the border whether most Americans want to admit that or not. Most Americans want to just sweep it under the rug and think that it isn’t happening or that it doesn’t affect them but it does.

The problem with dealing with this particular subject is that if you do, you are call a racist or worse. Here on The Lazlo Report however I can give you proof that the “Illegal” Mexican problem is a crock of bullshit and that the liberal media is sending a message to our young people, and to the Mexicans that are already here, the one’s who got here “legally”, that it’s OK to defy U.S. Law and that all of the people that have waited in lines for years should just eat shit and die because Pedro and his brothers need to cross the border and get free health care and free food that the next two generations will have to pay for.

Now whether that sounds harsh or not, that is the reality of the situation and the young people of today are too stupid to understand it unless you talk to them in the language that they speak in. Oh, I can hear the pundits now; Lazlo is crazy, Lazlo has nothing to back it up. Ah contraire says the man. The following is some facts from about ten years ago and take it from me, I was just out there a few weeks ago and it wasn’t any better by a long shot so as for this information, some of it may surprise you and some of it may not, none the less all of you need to take a good look at what has been created out there on the west coast: (personally, I used to live there, and with few exceptions, I know what a shithole it has become)

1. 40% of all workers in Los Angeles. County ( L.A. County has 10.2 million people) are working for cash and not paying taxes. This was because they are predominantly illegal immigrants, working without a green card.
2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.
3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.
4. Over 2/3 of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal, whose births were paid for by taxpayers.
5. Nearly 25% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals here illegally.
6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.
7. The FBI reports half of all gang members in Los Angeles are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.
8. Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal.
9. 21 radio stations in L.A. are Spanish speaking.
10. In Los .Angeles.County 5.1 million people speak English, 3.9 million speak Spanish. (There are 10.2 million people in L.A. County). This information above comes from the Los Angeles Times, Orange County edition.

Did you know that:

Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops, but 29% are on welfare.
Over 70% of the United States' annual population growth (and over 90% of California, Florida, and New York) results from immigration.
The cost of immigration to the American taxpayer in 1997, (after subtracting taxes that immigrants pay), was a NET $70 BILLION/ year [according to Professor Donald Huddle of Rice University]
The lifetime fiscal impact (taxes paid minus services used) for the average adult Mexican immigrant is a NEGATIVE number.

29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens.
If they can come to this country to raise Hell and demonstrate by the thousands, then why can't they go and take charge over the corruption in their own country? We are a bunch of fools for letting this continue. In other words, if Mexico is so bad, then they should all stay there thinking Mexico will fix itself on it’s own and then while they are here get bullions of OUR tax dollars for free. We used to have a very nice country until they came here and fucked it up and tried to make it like their own. It is not another Mexico; it is America, if you didn’t like it you shouldn’t have come here to begin with. If you don’t like our laws don’t try to change them, go back to Mexico where they have Mexican laws. The same goes forany other third world nation that thinks they can just tear down this nation.

.THE U.S. VS MEXICO

On February 15, 1998, the U.S. and Mexican soccer teams met at the Los Angeles Coliseum. The crowd was overwhelmingly pro-Mexican even though most lived in this country. They booed during the National Anthem and U.S. flags were held upside down. As the match progressed, supporters of the U.S. team were insulted, pelted with projectiles, punched and spat upon. Beer and trash were thrown at the U.S. players before and after the match. The coach of the U.S. team, Steve Sampson said, "This was the most painful experience I have ever had in this profession."

Did you know that immigrants from Mexico and other non-European countries can come to this country and get preferences in jobs, education, and government contracts. It's called affirmative action or racial privilege. The Emperor of Japan or the President of Mexico could migrate here and immediately be eligible for special rights unavailable for Americans of European descent. Corporate America has even signed on to the idea that minorities and third world immigrants should get special, privileged status. Some examples are Exxon, Texaco, Merrill Lynch, Boeing, Paine Weber, Starbucks and many more.

Did you know ... that Mexico regularly intercedes on the side of the defense in criminal cases involving Mexican nationals?
Did you know ... that Mexico has NEVER extradited a Mexican national accused of murder in the U.S. in spite of agreements to do so?
According to the L.A. Times, Orange County, California is home to 275 gangs with 17,000 members, 98% of which are Mexican and Asian. How's your county doing? According to a New York Times article dated May 19, 1994, 20 years after the great influx of legal immigrants from Southeast Asia, 30% are still on welfare compared to 8% of households nationwide. A Wall Street Journal editorial dated December 5, 1994 quotes law enforcement officials as stating that Asian mobsters are the "greatest criminal challenge this country faces.” Not bad for a group that is still under 5% of the population.

Is education important to you? Here are the words of a teacher who spent over 20 years in the Los Angeles School system; “Imagine teachers in classes containing 30-40 students of widely varying attention spans and motivation, most of whom aren't fluent in English. Educators today seek learning materials likely to reach the majority of students and that means fewer words and math problems and more pictures and multicultural references, which means lower test scores and ultimately fewer graduations."

I remember hearing about the immigrants that came through Ellis Island. They wanted to learn English. They wanted to breathe free. They wanted to become Americans. Now, far too many immigrants come here with demands. They demand to be taught in their own language. They demand special privileges ... affirmative action. They demand ethnic studies that glorify their culture.

Well I’m proud To Be White Someone finally had to say it. How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. And then there are just Americans.

OK, so you pass me on the street and sneer in my direction; you call me White boy, Cracker, Honkey, Whitey, Caveman , Oh, and that's OK? But when I call you, Nigger, a Kike, a Towel head, a Sand-nigger, a Camel Jockey, a Beaner, a Gook, or a Chink and you call me a racists? What the fuck? You also might say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live? The reason is because you have the United Negro College Fund, you have Martin Luther King Day and you have Black History Month. Then you have Cesar Chavez Day, you have Yom Hashoah,. you have Ma'uled Al-Nabi, you have the NAACP and you have BET.

Now, as White People, If we had WET (White Entertainment Television).. We would instantly be called racists.
If we had a White Pride Day... You would call us racists.
If we had White History Month.. We'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives ... we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Hmm, I wonder who pays for that? If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists in the eyes of every liberal on the planet. There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were "White colleges" ..THAT would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If white people were to march for our race and rights, you would call us racists. You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and red, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when you announce you’re white pride. You’re called a racist. You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a colored gang member or beats up a colored drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, ya sure do call him a racist.

I am proud man but I’m a proud American. But then for some reason you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists?

There is nothing improper about this portion of this Blog. Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on. (copy and paste all you want)

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under".
~Ronald Reagan

So what’s up with that? I ask you. What is the problem What is the “real illegal problem” after all, because if I didn’t just explain it above, and you don’t get it now, then my friends, I think that you have a Styrofoam in place of your brain or you’re reading this somewhere near a Viva Market and thinking what an culo I am.

Note: I dedicate this blog to the name to which it's linked to. It's one of the best web pages I have EVER read on what being an American is all about. READ IT!!!!

That’s the Lazlo Report for January 20, 2007

Telling it like it is

2007-01-15T04:50:00.000-05:00

In today’s world of politics there’s a sort of “do it to them before they do to you” attitude. Now, I’m forty-seven and I remember when a candidate would come on to television and say what HE was going to do for the Country and not what his opponent hasn’t done or what the opponent is going to do to screw things up.

During one of the last elections some time ago, my wife asked me while sipping coffee in bed, “When did they all go negative ads”. My answer was that it was just at about the same time that Bill Clinton hired his bald headed, small-minded crony named James Carvelle. Carvelle, a man who could put a spin on his mother murdering a Girl Scout, because the girl didn’t have enough dipsy-doodles, and those on the right in this country would soon forget about the poor little girl whom she murdered because we would all have to sit and listen to Mr. Carvelle talk about his aged mother who’s only joy in life was loving those cookies. And to beet all, I’m sure that Mr. Carvelle would represent his aged mother and get her off scot-free too.

That’s how far to the left this Country has gone and Bill Clinton used to have this man in his ear, every day, all day. If anyone remembers, this man started the hatred of the Republicans from the Democrats but then he had to let it spew onto mainstream television and America seem to approve of it only because he was married to a Republican, Mary Matalin, who just happen to be a friend of the Bush Administration. Although Mr. Carville has a stunning academic record for which I commend him, it still does not excuse the fact that he, along with a select few, guided Bill Clinton to become the first “Black President” something that our country wasn’t ready for until we find an African American person who can put their African heritage aside.

In so that you don’t start thinking that I am not a racist, I will say that again; we are not ready for an African American president until we can find a person who can put their African heritage aside them and stand alone as an American, as just a Black American. There are millions of wonderful black Americans born each day and that live right here in America that don’t prescribe to the diatribe of this African-Islamic anti-Americanism. Notice that I did not say put their African heritage behind them, rather I said I said aside them. That is very important. VERY! I am a white person but I would not ever run on the all white ticket. I also have part American Indian in me but I wouldn’t run on that ticket either, would I.? Think about it, we are all Americans when you get right down to it, well some of us.

The only format that the democrats ran on in 2004 and 2006 was an:”Anything But Bush” campaign, and that actually seemed to work. But what has happened to our135, 000+ troops over in Iraq right now? What about their vote? And how does it make them feel when they’re told that half of America that they’re fighting for has just hired a bunch of people in Congress who think that they are baby killers and murders when they were sent to do a job, a VERY HARD JOB? . And these soldiers want to win this war, not to come home in shame like people such as John Kerry and Nancy Paloci want them to so he, she and others can call this war the Vietnam of the 21st century and that it’s only Bush’s fault. That sort of stupidity is what will get our soldiers killed in action and embolden the enemy. As I said, the enemy does sit over there and watch Comedy Central and they watch Fox News so they see the news reports and they see the stupid comments made about our Commander in Chief.

Do people like Nancy Polosi and the makers of Comedy Central not think that our enemies watch television or are they maybe on the same side? It sometimes makes me wonder whether there’s not a satellite dish on top of the Capital Building and whether it’s pointed toward Algazier's satalite. Radical Muslims in this country are our enemy whether you want to hear that or not. Just read parts of their version of the Koran. In it there are special passages that say that Americans are infidels and all infidels if not converted to Islam must be killed; that’s all men, women and children of the U.S.A. and numbnuts like John Kerry, if he's not in on it because so rich and will never become one of their slaves, is just sitting back and letting this all happen. Oh, shit, just I just let the cat out of the bag???????

And what are people making fun of anyway; because President Bush is a poor public speaker? Allot of people a have problem speaking spontaneously and sometimes it's called stuttering, not lying. He seems to think faster than he speaks, in other words it could be a sign of a very high IQ. Many geniuses are the same way so get over it. At least let’s ridicule him for his supposed lies and not his God given weakness. If anything I'd say the John Kerry’ AND THE Nancy Peloci’ of Washington have been harmed by all of this name calling far more than Mr. Bush because they now have so much corruption in their own party to explain it makes them look stupid for bringing those sort of lies up. But let’s not bring up the fact that none of the ads authorized by the President anything to do with Bill Clinton lying to Congress and lying his wife or anything like that, because as I said in the start of this blog, James Carvelle went into personal attacks; Sort of “he started it”, Mr, Bush just didn’t sink to his level. But it’s all still negative ads and it’s a sad commentary that we’ve stooped to, so low in this country as not to say what you can do, but what the other guy or gal didn’t do . . . . just sad,

Besides, most ads that ran were tied to specific U.S. House, U.S. Senate, or gubernatorial races throughout the country; negative ads and all... Mr. Bush was called everything from a liar to liken to a Nazi. Now that borders on treason in my book. And that was just so that the Democrats could win enough seats in the house and Senate to take over, good Lord! Some of the ads that were not seen as much were of more general issue or advocacy ads and not tied to a particular race or candidate. Those ads were less grievous by far. What I say to all of you is that you better be careful for what you wish for, you might just get it. In other words, be careful for who you vote for, he or she just might win.

Never talked about much is that President Bush is a visionary. Equally so, President Kennedy was a visionary too, as was many of our U.S. Presidents throughout history were. President Bush wants to see a free and democratic Iraq, something that I truly believe that this world needs. Something that only a part of our Government is working toward right now but our Armed Forces is over there and doing it’s best to accomplish. Now, John F Kennedy wanted to push though a bill to adopt the metric system. I remember this when I was in grade school. Why, because he was a communist? I think not. Because he was a visionary and how easy it would be for all of us right now to watch The Science Channel, The Learning Channel and The Discovery Channel and to try and figure out how long things are in meters. Some Presidents are visionaries; they can see the future in realistic terms, it just takes an open mind to let their dreams for our great nation come true. These men write history, we live it, we write it down, and then we judge them on it.

I think that because the mainstream media is so far to the left and the Media is owned by the Left that President Bush will be remembered for nothing more than the terrible jokes, the lies that were told about him and a war that had to be fought for our freedom. No mention of all of the great things that he did while in office. Such happened to many of our great Presidents because of the Media. After Johnson took over for Kennedy, he wrote and passed more bills though congress on civil rights than all of the Bills that JFK passed while in office yet why is John Kennedy so famous and President Johnson not? It’s because the leftist media and them spinning the real truth while what John Kennedy really did was to spend most of his time dealing with personal problems like Marilyn Monroe and his beautiful wife and children and then he had just one big media blow up, the Cuban missile crisis. The Vietnam War along with the Cuban Missile Crisis in Kennedy’s time was ran by someone else, Bob McNamara, so don’t get the two confused. Hmmm, it seems that Bill Clinton and his mentor, JFK, had more in common than people know, someone in his ear telling him what he should do so he could go off and get his dick sucked….Hhmmmmm

I hope that Bill Clinton will be remembered for lying to Congress, lying to his wife about having several affairs, having an intern give him a botched blowjob in the oval office and then her keeping the dress I hope that he’s remembered for his wife’s financial scandal and the possible ties to the murder of Vince Foster which is of equally important. I hope that on a grave marker somewhere that it says “here lies Bill Clinton he hired James Carvelle the architect of negative ads”. But alas, I doubt it, because I also think that Bill Clinton has such a large penis that it doesn’t matter what lies about he tells or who he tries to poke because he’s made his deal with the devil and at this point there ain’t no go’n back. He will however have to pay the piper one day. That day is coming soon., for all of us Appropriately I will end this Blog with another old saying that I do hope it comes back, and soon, Count Your Blessings Folks, you’re going to need to..

That’s the Lazlo Report for January 16, 2007

When Did The Rules Change?

2007-01-12T22:11:00.000-05:00

So when did the rules change? I know that I’m forty-seven, and my adolescence is still within grasp, at least the thought process anyway. So when did American’s start making it OK to make split second decisions on every day life things like what college to send their child to or what cloths to where that day, why pick them out the night before?. When did it all of a sudden become fashionable to forgo the thought process? And when did it become ok to just forget about dignity, feelings and most of all basic manors in this country, I’d like to know that.

It wasn’t that long ago when children used to respect their elders, yeah I know this is a story that has been told before, even a short a time ago as the 1950’s and that evil rock-n-roll ,but I’m talking about this ultra in your face crap that today’s kids are using. And then with the usage of their language it’s no wonder why we complain. Don’t even get me started on the whole internet language thing with the “ROTFF” thing. Now, I know what that means, being a gig head and all, but to yell into my screen that you’re rolling on the F’ing floor you can just tell me that you’re really happy or you find what I just said very fucking funny, it’s ok, I can read, I can take the time. I don’t need instant words for instant gratification of my brain as I am reading too.

When I was young the worst thing that you cold do to someone was to hurt their feelings. I meant like in school, at home with a sibling. And I would’ve had my ass beat red by the principal or the teacher and/or by dad when he got home and pulled out his belt. Let me tell you when even you’re a pretty tall & fast 15 year old as I was you still didn’t mess with a 265LB man with a 38” black leather belt and a temper especially after he had two beers in him, no way. Now kids are so immune to that behavior that they are emulating the violence that they see every day on television and even games where they don’t realize how many lives that are affected by liking someone or even down to the type of foul language that is used in these television shows and games. And the kids know that our government is filled with a bunch of mamsy-pamsy people who will come in and actually believe the kid about child abuse when what these kids need is a good belt on their ass, I know I was one of those kids who deserved every beating he got! I’m not putting down human services in general, they do some good work but the majority is useless, absolutely useless.

On the flip side of my argument you have the liberal professors in some of our colleges that are teaching our children, and at twenty and twenty-four they are still children, that “just make yourself happy” “Do what YOU want” “Stop having the Man bring you down” and crap like that when teaching our children what the difference between a rooster and a hen and that they’re all chickens is more important. Knowing the location of Springfield, yeah all of them, on a map is important because my fiends our competitors like the Chinese, the Japanese and God forbid any radical Islamic country bent on destroying a country as great as ours will succeed if our children, the ones who are supposed to take over in the next generation don’t clean up their act. .

But who’s fault is this really? Is it the kids who asked mom or dad for the money to buy the game after they got the console for Christmas?. Maybe it’s because most parents use television as a wannabe babysitter and they just plop the kid down there for hours on end. No, not really, I blame this government for pushing what I call a “get it done fast and lie about it attitude” brought on by the Clinton administration and his statement “It depends on what the definition of the word IS is”

After that statement and people knew he was lying to his wife and Congress about having an affair, or several, people began to think that it was ok to lie to someone based upon small little words. “What IS is”, give me a break. In this day and age I have but one thing to say to Ex-President Clinton “Bite Me”. You Sir Mr. Clinton, in the early 90’s, started off this mess and now it’s not going to get better until it gets worse. Oh sure he handed off the flag to President Bush and he’ll probably fuck it up just as much, so much as I’ve seen he’s tried hard to fix the problem but is coming up short. All things being equal, Christ didn't speak English so there isn't such a thing as an "F" word either.

I don’t know, maybe these are just the ramblings of a madman or maybe I’m on to something and within minutes of posting a man in black will come crashing down my door demanding a retraction. One thing is for sure, as my younger sister Dotty just told me last night, I have to stop sweating the small stuff.

Well that the Lazlo Report for Thursday, January 11, 2007

What’s wrong with today’s schools top scoring and the students not understanding their assignments?

2007-01-12T21:51:00.000-05:00

In my day there used to be HOMEWORK. When a child is sent home with homework, I thought anyway, the parent had to help the child work on an assignment everyday until he or she got it done, or the smart ones just did their own homework so they can go out and play OR turn on the TV, and now a days turn on the computer and hit the chat rooms or still go out and visit friends. Na, who am I kidding, they hit the chat rooms.

But that homework is then turned in the next day and time is taken to go over every student’s homework by the teacher during part of an hour long class while the students are reading for the next day’s homework. Then, near the end of that class, the teacher picks the best & the worst of the papers to go over some of the questions & areas that were missed & picked up the most.

This process was done in almost every classroom in almost every school and these were not all ½ hour long elective classes either. All classes were one hour, making school nine hours long, with a one hour lunch, just like a job is, so going to school is just like it’s going to be when these High School’ers are let loose on the world with little or no education.

The Teachers need to stop bitching about the pay that they get for now and once we get Congress to understand what it’s going to take to do everything I just described; the paper to copy the homework, the extra hour long classes, more air conditioning, more lighting which means more electricity. And since the classrooms are already over crowded you might as well throw in a teacher’s Aid in each Math, English and Spelling class. And that isn’t going to be cheep so hang onto your skivvies on that one, ok boys.

And that’s not the problem, the problem starts at home, with the parents who are supposed to be helping our children learn too. But Oh no, we just think we can send them off to school and someone else will do the job because we have paid for this in our taxes or for some other dumb ass reason. Wake up people!! What ever happened to the PTA? All I see is that the once proud Parents-Teachers Association is now disbanded all over the Nation and it is now a joke all over the web. That seems to be funny to allot of today's youth. Funny, well, you will laugh last my small minded friends. And what ever happened to a parent helping their own child, actually sitting down with that kid and saying “hey son or daughter, how can I help today?” Is that so far gone that I am some sort of stranger in my own country? I thought that this was America, the land of the brightest and the best.

I’ll tell ya, in the past twenty years I’ve seen it go from the brightest and the best to the wacky & worst and now the lame and lost.

That’s the Lazlo Report for Wednesday, January 10th 2007

Ode to the Helms Bakery Man

2007-01-12T17:56:00.000-05:00

Out of all the women that I could have married I married a woman who was born and raised in Norwalk California.

Now, that may not have any social significance to any of you but if you read on I’ll bet you that about 100,000 to a half a million of you it will. You see I was born in Ohio but I grew up in Garden Grove California, just about ten minutes from Norwalk if there was no traffic, which there always is.

As a youngster some of my fondest memories are sitting in front of the television set and watching Hobo Kelly, with her large green handled mirror without glass in it, and calling out names and as it turns out both my wife and I both sat and hoped that our names would be called out to be wished happy birthday. One time my name was called but it wasn’t my birthday and I ran around the house, crying, looking for my mo and asking why she called my name when it wasn’t my birthday. Remember, I was just eight years old. My wife just told me that her name was never called but she has a rather obscure name. DAMN HER PARENTS! Just kidding J

We also were just reminiscing on the Helms Bakery Man who drove around in his truck and delivered baked goods to each neighborhood and both of us looked forward to him pulling our those long trays from the back of that truck to reveal everything loafs of bread for mom to the ultimate in goodies for us that included the chocolate covered doughnuts to the wax cola bottles and the wax lips. There were also the little two cent packs of gum that had four pieces wrapped together and my mother would not let me get because I had braces and then my favorite of all that I could not often afford…the Abazaba Bar! For those who are not in the know, the Abazaba bar was an all white taffy bar about five inches long, two inches wide, and there was peanut butter mixed with sugar on the inside; Pure Kid Heaven.

My wife’s favorite’s was the doughnut covered in chocolate and the wax lips that had some sort of cherry flavored sugar juice on the inside. As time went on these wax lips started to come in different flavors, orange, grape and what was supposed to be licorice but they never got that one right. She also loved the Pixy-Styx, the Chico-sticks and we just laughed because we both ran around the house with candy necklaces around our necks; again, we were six and eight years old. The Pixy-Styx were a small paper tube of pure sugar that was just flavored with whatever color the paper was that housed the sugar, it was that simple and kids loved it. Those were a penny.

Just as I did, waiting for the Helms Bakery Truck, my wife also watched a local Southern California TV shows that, after procreation had taken effect and the stories had all been told, it isn't just her and I that remember show like two of our favorites. The first was called Hobo-Kelly, with her large green mirror without any glass in it. She used this mirror to call out children's names when it was their birthdays. I remember the day when she called out my name and I ran around the house, calling out for my mom "Mom Mom Mom" I yelled, "she said Lazlo", unfortunantly it wasn't my birthday.

The next was called Sheriff John. This show was a precursor to PBS’s Mister Rodgers but if they would have made Sheriff John commercial free and allowed children’s attention span not to be interrupted then he would have become Nation Wide.

But, that’s for another blog, for another time, and I WILL get to it.

That’s the Lazlo Report for Tuesday January, 9th 2007

From Noah to the Nazis, Who Would’a Figgered?

2007-01-12T17:14:00.000-05:00

To all of those who try and dismiss Noah’s Ark just because there isn’t scientific proof that there wasn’t a flood at about the time when Noah began work on the Ark according to the Bible, be it layers of rock sediment or whatever, I have the following to say:

First of all it probably wasn’t raining when Noah and a crew of probably thousands began the work, nor while they were working on it or they wouldn’t have been able to get it done in time. Noah wasn’t a Chicken Little going around saying”The Sky is opening, the sky is Opening” He merely told his followers to gather one of each specie and to build a ship large enough to carry them through a flood of great size. He told them that those who believed in God should go with him to be saved.

Next, there’s no mention as to when the great flood started, just that it rained for forty days and forty nights and that the Ark came to rest upon a mountain (Ararat).

Also, for someone who was supposed to have lived 600 years, what exactly is forty days forty and forty nights? And when again was he born?

Last, if any ship was to land on top of a volcano with hot ash falling on it, possibly twice or more, the carbon dating would be changed. This is how God works in mysterious ways, NOT to let bonehead, non-believers, find His Ark and then tear down the existence of it by experiments made up by mortal men. It’s quite possible that God does have a plan and it doesn’t include humans finding out when Noah sailed that Ark. By directing the Ark to land atop a volcano, He knew that the carbon dating would be thrown off by future man thousands of years later than normal and the men who built the Ark could have been here as early as 10,000 years ago for all we know.

It’s called faith ladies and gentlemen, something that this planet is starting to loose and that I find that sad.

Finally, it is man who has been reinterpreting the Bible for centuries and rewriting the words of God, not to mention the history books that our children our reading in class these days. What happened to teaching them about World War II and the Nazi occupation and everything that we could learn from that? What happened to teaching our children about the consentration camp? What happened to teaching them about the Nazi’s taking over France and Belgium just after Belgium gave England $600 Million dollars because they were bankrupted and America was just sitting there doing nothing because we were liberal pacifists and didn’t want to get involved at the time? THAT’S the REAL HISTORY !!! Insignificant little bugs like liberal professors who think that they can rewrite thousands, if not millions, of years of history by coming up with their “theory” of what happened should take a look at the word “theory” and by definition itself, it is just that, just a theory, where as what is discussed by theologians world wide and printed in almost every Bible is that the story of Jesus is true, so why should we not believe Noah and his Ark?

As one who thinks in quantum terms, Einstein said it best in that “Time is a relative term”.

This same statements above can also explain the Flying Saucer or The Extraterrestrial question surrounding every corner of the world at this very moment. THERE AREN’T ANY!! It’s as plain as that. The answer to this riddle is that man has been traveling trough time Governments who have this knowledge can not let us know that they do this for several very complex reasons and I do not need to explain them but a few examples will suffice.

A) If we can travel back and forth in time, then we had the technology to go to the future, get the information, and build a time machine.
B) Since A is true, our Government would never want anyone to know that we only let technology loose in spurts or as it is discovered, either by natural discovery or by spy’s. (informants) (government informant) (area 51)

There’s far more to this but to explain time and relativity would take up twenty pages so like Jesus you need faith. You can also do research with Google as I did starting with Albert Einstein and his work on it but I warn you it’s heavy stuff.

The only thing that we need to worry about is that this knowledge not fall into the wrong hands. There are two types of humans on this planet; Peaceful Pacifists and Barbarians. While this message has nothing to do with politics, terrorists are barbaric, they are barbarians. To give a terrorist the tool to travel through time would be worse than giving them a nuclear weapon and that is barbaric in itself. The Peaceful Pacifists will loose if the Barbarians get either of these weapons, which is for sure!

I see it so sad that like the Ark so many things in History are dismissed by liberal thinking people who believe that they are on a path of science but they are so far off the path of truth that they become blind to what they are searching for. These people who look for the ark have the story written for them, they have the mountain right in front of them, they see a faint image in a camera but still they say no there is no Ark….WHY? Is that what a Liberal is? Someone who is a “disbeliever”? Someone who just always says no, that’s not it? As I listen to TV now a days, that’s what it sound to me, someone who just says “No, that’s not the way it’s supposed to be, I want it to be this way”….That’s what a liberal is now. Or I hear that a liberal just says the fuck word allot on television, or many of the words that are going to be bleeped out anyway. Why use that language if they know they are going to be bleeped out on time delay tape? To be cool? To impress the young? To teach my children? I know I don’t get it. Actually at a certain point it just pisses me off and I change the channel. Too bad for the advertisers.

Well,, as usual I am off the subject.. but I think that I have made three very good points today. Please think about them, pass the word around, especially about not letting people like Iran getting a nuke. It would be like Nazi Germany all over again and I don’t think people have any clue as to the ramifications of that.

That’s the Lazlo Report for Monday January 8, 2007

So I’ll Play Devil’s Advocate On The Death Tax

2007-01-12T17:02:00.000-05:00

The death in the United States right now for the super rich should be near 80% in my opinion. For one thing, I am not rich so I can’t just throw out numbers and make you all think that I am rich. If I were rich I would change my Estate to give away all but 20% of my nest egg to charity. The reason is that my children, while I want them to have everything I didn’t have while growing up, should also learn how to respect those things, and the only way learn that is to work for what they get. My oldest son already does, he’s 26 and married.

Take for instance Paris Hilton. Do you actually think that she’s ever mowed a lawn? Done her own laundry? Cleaned her bathroom including the toilet? I very much doubt it. And as for that show that she did, that “reality show” That was so far removed from reality that I got physically sick from watching just one episode of it, I really, really did.

And so what if her grandfather was Conrad Hilton and was worth $300 million, is that any reason for this little temptress has to flaunt her little titties at dinner parties for the other rich and famous people to look at? Doubtful.

And then there’s Athena Onassis, the last of the heiress to the great fortunes of that Greek dude. I say let her have a nice 20 million And give her sister the same and give the rest give all TO CHERATY. Mercy, there are so may blood suckers on that gravy train that it makes you sick to read about it. I first thought that this sweet little 19 year old was just going to renounce the name and go off with her horse riding boyfriend but now as of this year, she wants it ALL….billions and billions of dollars in skyscrapers, oil takers, islands and all sorts of things that this chick is never , ever going to use in her life time. And again, she’s been so privileged that she’s never had to have any real job having to do with any real labor. She didn’t do any planning to make that fortune so why should she have any claim to it? Blood?. Let her make her own empire. Shit, with 10% of his estimated ½ a trillion dollars I think she could do pretty good at something. “Horse Farm maybe” Shovel some shit lady, that will teach you some character and backbone.

The following is part of an email that I received from my great sister Dotty but it’s appropriate in this blog; something that the Paris Hilton’s of the world never experienced the:

To all the kids that survived the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's please read on . . . . .. . .

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking! As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-Aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, we were always playing outside… Good Lord!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K, really. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We also built forts out of cardboard boxes, old washing machines mom’s favorite sheets or just about anything that could house two or three of us yet no one got herpes. We did not have Play station’s, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound, CD's or Ipods, no cell phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment, imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of!! They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all without a bunch of councilors telling us that ‘we cal all be winners in life’…YUK!! If you are one of these people, congratulations. (thank you anonymous email person)

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and that government regulated so much of our lives “for our own good” gets a hold of this blog and asks me to retract some of it, or they just flat out delete my blog all together. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

I got off track just a little but my main point is that this country has been turning out in the past five decades a bunch of lazy, ungrateful, turds. About the Death tax, well, rich or not I will pay my fair share because I have earned the right to do so. And while some may think that I’m insensitive, I will say this; When a forty-five year old man wants a Scooby-doo lunch box for his birthday and just loves that lunch box all year around, and I call him mentally challenged. But then when a fifty-five year old man wants to throw every single 13 million illegal Mexican out of this country all at once, now he’s retarded. That would be a “Mexihunt” and while they’re still streaming over the border at record numbers we have retards working for us here in our Government. And they call me insensitive?

That’s the Lazlo Report for Sunday, January 7th 2007

More on Commercial TV

2007-01-12T12:49:00.000-05:00

Oberon said...
........you're not kidding.....it sucks.....hard.......i've been collecting movies and stuff to watch on tape and disc....

When I wrote my last blog on Commercial TV, the above comment was my first comment that I had received on that blog. I am posting it because I wanted you all to see the gravity in which we live in today, the selfishness, the ignorance and just emphasize more of what’s in store for all of us.

Now, I am not faulting this person, as a matter of fact I am saluting him on his honesty because I too am taping just about everything I can, putting it on disk or tape or whatever but that wasn’t what my blog was about. Since the subject was brought up though, you might as well be selfish and keep burning those disks, taping those VCR tapes, DVD’s and whatever means of recording that you can because if you had fully understood my blog to begin with you would have read into it that eventually, not only will they eliminate channel’s 2 through 13 (which they already have) but they are going to start to eliminate YOUR RIGHTS to other FREE services such as 911 just as they did away with 411.

Does anyone remember 411? You know, the number that you used to call for information on the telephone? It used to be free and now it costs at least $0.45 no matter where you live and now no one but me is saying anything about it. Well you just watch out and mark my words; next it will cost you money to dial and call 911. The FCC will find a way to charge you for calling 911, another free service that has always been there for us as an emergency will be gone.

And it’s not just the FCC, its other departments of the Governments too, but the FCC has its hands on a lot of cookies in the cookie jar. And when is the last time that you called “Time”? I'll bet that if you called your local operator and asked for the number for Time that he or she would ask you if you were on medication. I’ll also bet that many of you reading this aren’t even old enough to even know what calling Time is.

The FCC will next put a “V-Chip” on television shows so that we will not be able to record them in out of our own homes, which will come in about three or four years. they already have V-chips on many of the pre-recorded DVDs and VCR tapes.

So in the meanwhile OBERON, and the rest of you too, either go ahead and be ignorant to all of this and do nothing. Keep being selfish and keep recording all that you can because eventually they are going to force us all to watch the commercials whether we want to or not otherwise we will just have to learn to turn it off. Me, for now, I try and watch the old movies on Turner Classic Movies but as I said in my forst blog, even they have the 15 minutet commercials in between movies so that’s when I get something to eat. Trouble is, how much can one man eat?

That’s The Lazlo Report for Saturday, January 6thth 2007

My Parents Aren’t Rich

2007-01-12T11:48:00.000-05:00

My parents live in a modest home in Northwest Ohio. They have lived in a total of fourteen homes in their 53 year marriage. They have lived all over the United States but they have come home to retire because they both grew up not too far from this area and now well into their 70’s they wanted to be closer to family, their sisters and brothers, and the people that they grew up with.

By some people’s standards one may think that they were rich, I assure you they are not. By other’s, the one’s that can afford a $350,000 home here in this area, they are just down right poor folk, well that isn’t the case either.

The truth is that even though people come over to borrow $10 here and $20 there, my parents are living off of my father’s Social Security income ONLY and my mom makes a couple of hundred dollars a month doing some sewing for my dad’s old friends in their old business that they both used to run out of the basement where my mother would sew up a storm and make all sorts of things for different companies and my father would do the shipping. He took on the shipping as his full time job, as well as salesman, when he retired from his carrier about ten years ago. None the less, after paying for material, we’re only talking a couple of hundred dollars a month to pay for electricity and heating, something that we all do now and then, you know, side jobs.

You see, to get to the house that they live in right now, my mom and dad BOTH had to have two jobs while me and my three siblings were growing up. At one point my dad even had to have three jobs, well, for over twenty of those years. They used to struggle so hard just to get by and to get the material to make us cloths, let alone buy us name brand cloths that it amazes me that they found the money to feed us too.

During all this time of raising children, these two people also had the gumption to remodel each of the houses that me and my three siblings lived in so that we could upgrade to a better house about every four or five years. Where my dad found the money I have no idea because as I write out my bills each month I struggle myself and while I own my own home, I worked two jobs for several years, my wife also works we have not the resources nor the time to fix up our home. We are however very thankful to the lord and our parents for what we have.

So now when these folks like my own godchildren, who have been raised on the welfare system since birth, along with their parents who collect Social Security too, without ever having paid into the system like my dad did for over fifty five years and I did for thirty years, come over to borrow a $10 bill, it still bothers just a me little because I don’t think that these folks understand that they in fact bring home more money each month than my mom and dad.

They also take advantage of my parents who have that Christian spirit in them and finding it hard to say no to a somewhat nice young person, especially when it is my Goddaughter. However my parents can be just too nice sometimes. There comes a time when you just have to be nice to some people and pleasant to everyone. That's where my grandmother's saying comes into play and has been my New Years resolution and I hope to spread it everywhere; it goes as follows: You can be Oh So Nice Or Oh So Pleasant; I Recommend Pleasant

That saying comes from Jimmy Stewart in the movie Harvey but it is so perfect and is so appropriate for my life….well everyone’s life for that matter. Anyhow, I can’t get this feeling of them being leaches off my mind while at the same time I do care for them dearly. There just comes a time when you just have to say no to people, especially when those people have been living off of the federal government since they were born and have never had a job. Their mother has never had a job, and I mean NEVER had a job…not one, and she still collects Social Security. The last I heard, you had to pay into the system before you could get paid back out from that system. Well, that’s a subject for another blog.

My whole point to this blog is that my parents are two of the most giving people you would ever want to meet but just because they live in a very nice house does not mean they are rich. They’re always working and they’re still in their 70’s. My dad is 76 and my mom is 73. Outside of a bad knee my dad is in pretty good health; well hearth attacks run in his family. Our family is suffering from my mom’s memory problems but her health is great. She keeps busy and is generally pretty happy, well ok she complains to me allot. All in all they are in remarkable health for folks in their mid 70’s but they are defiantly not rich. I wish they were, I would go with them and show them the world.

That’s The Lazlo Report for Friday January, 5th 2007

Giving Whoopi Airtime

2007-01-12T10:55:00.000-05:00

This one is Short and sweet, hopefully to the point. Several nights ago on Hanity & Colmbs, of Fox News, they had as their guest, Whoopi Goldberg. (born Caryn Elaine Johnson for those who give a crap)

Now even if Mr. Hanity was to tear Whoopi a new one on his show that night, which I'm sure he did, I mean I don’t know I didn’t waste my time staying up to listen to her liberal crap that night, I just don't understand why she or her “pootie” is asked to be a guest on anyone's show for her to spew out her liberal agenda to the world when she is a COMEDIAN, not a politician, not a spokesperson, not a Ambassador to any counrty,nothing. If she’s not telling jokes she’s just an average Jane who gets airtime because she’s rich.

Now Sean Hanity is truly a great American because he works every day doing his best to better the county that has given him the things that he has, the opportunity to use his talent in his crusade to make a better United States and is not keeping all of his “winnings” or by that I mean he is giving back to the society that has been so good to him.

What I see Whoppi Goldberg do, the very rich Whoppi Goldberg do, is to complain about local government, complain about federal government, complain that no one gets taken care of by that government, that she isn’t taken care of by the government and that George Bush is the spawn of the Devil himself.

Dear Miss Whoppi: I have a suggestion for you; get off your fat ass, stop complaining and do a free concert that is not political at all, just funny shit (if even remember how) then donate all of that money, every red cent, to any poor people that you want. Now, THAT’S doing something. NOT going on Hanity & Colms plus numerous other television and radio shows and complaining about that evil George Bus. All I hear is that you can bitch pretty good but here are some facts that may surprise you:

World War II cost the United States an amount equal to approximately a full year's GDP -- adjusted for inflation, equal to about $12 trillion dollars back in 1945.

WWII cost America more than 400,000 killed in action, and nearly 100,000 still missing in action.

The Iraq war has, so far, cost the US about $160 billion dollars, which is roughly what 9/11 cost New York. It has also cost about 2,200 American lives, which is roughly 2/3 of the 3,000 lives that the Jihad snuffed out on 9/11. But the cost of not fighting and winning WWII would have been unimaginably greater, it’s inconceivable what this country would be like because there would be no “African American” people under the American Nazi Government.

And if the terrorist win the War on Terror that your adversary, George W. Bush, is so strongly fighting against, then there will again be slaves to another régime, this time it will be called the Islamic Régime and they don’t like black people either. Think about it Miss Whoopie.

That’s the Lazlo Report for Thursday January 4rd, 2007

Mom Can Still Tell A Killer Story

2007-01-12T09:17:00.000-05:00

Once in a great while my mom tells me a great story about her growing up in Kentucky, very poor, during the depression, but in a very loving home with her fourteen brothers and sisters, in a six bedroom home, where there was always one lucky child, the oldest, that got the single room by him or herself.

There was the story of the single pair of shiny new shoes that my Grandfather bought for my mother and her sister, of nearly the same age, that while they were moving to their brand new larger house they took turns wearing so that they could try and impress the people in other cars as they drove along the near baron dusty highway knowing that such behavior would land them a strapping from my Grandpa’s belt.. He was no preacher but they were brought up strict and to them THAT was sneaky. That’s what cracks me up, how far we have come in society and how right I think he was. He kept my mother an honest woman and nowadays that is not easy to find, if not impossible. BUT! ooh hot mama, a ten year old… “shake dem shoes”. Funny.

Then there was the time that my Uncle, the oldest, cut school to go coon hunting and while on the way home he met up with my mom. He was all wet and my mom asked why. Well, just like a coon does it went out on a tree that had fell onto a river bank so my uncle thought he had the coon trapped. NOPE. The coon just jumped onto the river bank so my uncle did the same thing, bad move on my uncle’s part because although he was hunting for coon, all he got was wet.

So when he got home he thought he was safe by just telling my Grandma that he fell into the creek on the way home, my mom just said “she didn’t see what happened” so she didn’t lie but on the other hand she just omitted the truth. However, he had made the mistake of leaving four rounds of 30/30 bullets in his overalls and he had put the overalls on the potbelly stove to dry off. So in about a half an hour later there go those bullets going off in the kitchen. Needless to say my uncle got his ass strapped many times for that and luckily no one got shot or hurt, well except for his my uncle’s ass and a few of his fifteen year old ass pimples too but that’s his personal business and we won’t go into that will we. :-).

Spending all this time with my mom as I have in the past several months is so worth it. To anyone that says that this 73 year old woman has memory problems I say go to hell because she can whip up a good one any time and still remember how to sew and fix a cup of coffee.. Hell, she has it spewing out of her; you just have to get her started like a gas pump. Today she told me about a sibling that pooped (yes, shit) on his sister’s barnyard animal as he hid in the loft of the barn, for no good reason, just twisted a little bit I guess. See why I can’t use real names! My family would burn me at the stake!!!

These stories are abundant and so long as mom is alive I plan to write more. We figured out that her medical condition is quite simple. She’s been doing so many things for so many people for so long that at age 73 she just has too many things on her plate and just hasn’t learned to say no. I am trying to teach her something that her mother taught me. “You can be Oh So Nice in this world Turry” she told me, she always called me Turbule Turry, “or you can you Oh So Pleasant, well I recommend Pleasant Turry”
Turry, she always called me Turry.

With that advice in hand I am trying to convince my mother to just be Oh So Pleasant every day so that she can have a pleasant day and she doesn’t have to be nice to everyone and say yes to everyone. I tell her just tell people that she doesn’t have time, and slow down. That way she will not be so frustrated all the time about having to do so much work every day. Friggin Christmas almost killed her I swear. Anyhow, more stories at another time.

That’s the Lazlo Report for Wednesday 1-3-2007

Working For The I.A.T.S.E. Union At Age 19 In The 1970's

2007-01-12T08:18:00.000-05:00

So my heart’s a flutter with delight as I’m just about to get up and shine my light. Oh wait I’m getting ahead of myself. OK I’ll set the scene. My initial call was for the AS (Angel Stadium in Anaheim, now used for the Dodgers too… anyhow) It was for ZZ Tops that was to head lined the show with Journey as their back-up.

Anyhow, it takes two sixteen hour days to set up a stage at the AS. You’re talking metal scaffolding,hammering it together and ploping sheets of plywood on to it. So there I was, a nineteen year old, taking 1” sheets of 4X8 plywood and tossing it up to other guy as you’re building stages for the speaker stands, three high on each side of the already two-high stage so we’re talking a five story high, of six foot each, and then on top of that a lazar apparatus that goes atop of the speaker stand. It was a show!

OK, so I got all 32 hours of the call for the build up but I wasn't asked for the take-down, why, because I would have been on 2-1/2 times pay. That makes perfect sence in the real worold but this is the entertainment business so it doesn't have to make any sence. They needed someone to guide the band off as they exited stage left, I think it was left, well that doesn't matter, what matters is that I got another call. Another call meant mo-money. It was a four hour call at regular time so I said “Sure I’ll take it”

Besides I got to keep my backstage pass. That meant that I got to stick around and loiter, eating at the catered tables, or I could just watch the show, which is exactly what I did.

So as the band is getting ready to go on stage, one of the bearded guys (Hill I think) said “Hey ole buddy, ain’tcha gonna have a beer or two?” and I said “I’ don’t know man, I gotta go ask my dispatcher and all”, and he said ….Well I don't want to go into the long drawn out conversation between me and this guy from ZZ Tops but needless to say the next thing I knew was that my dispatcher told me that if the band siad to have a beer then have a beer but , I better not get drunk and make a famous person trip and fall on their ass as they walked off stage because if I do I would NEVER EVER get another gig like this again. Well, I took his advice and just grabbed two soda pops.

So all of these young people, my age, are up against a chain link fence, (my wife later tells me she was there too, so she says) and here I am leaning against one of the 4X4X6 base speakers, on stage mind you, with the Dusty Hill on his base six feet from me and Frank Beard ,the drummer, only four feet away from me and I’m drinking a 7-up and smoking my Kools....I'm telling you it was a show.

Now, I thought that LaGrange was the final song so I stood up and was about to get ready with my flashlight. AHH! But it wasn’t. It was the Tush Tour and Tush was the last song. So here’s this guy behind me going “Pssst ….Pssst Hey you…yeah you buddy…hey… get off stage, they're filming us right now”. Now for what I have no idea and I never asked. And I don’t really care. I am hoping that some day I win a ZZ Tops DVD set like I did when I won the complete Rush DVD set, I may see myself someday at an early age being a dork; hey, ya never know.

Anyhow the song ends and the entire stadium goes Jet Black………….. My flashlight goes on and the band exits without even a stumble. Mission accomplished. Now, I can’t tell you about the time when the band invited me backstage into their trailer to smoke weed and to do other drugs to get me high because that didn’t happen but I did meet Jeff Lynn, the lead guitar player for ELO, and he was a real nice guy. I still have one of his guitar pic’s too. :)

Oh yeah, just before the mad 8 hour rush to take down that stage at the Anaheim Stadium, I went back up and grabbed what I could, the towel that Frank Beard used and a pair of drum sticks of his; (many of them went to other people) my first wife made me throw away the sweaty towel. Looking back, I’m not sure even now if it’d be worth something but I know that I still wouldn’t give my son a spanking for breaking off the tip on one of the drum sticks. Now if it had been one of Jon Bonham’s drum sticks then I would have been murder and I would be writing this blog from prison.

That’s the Lazlo Report for Tuesday, January 2nd 2007.

Commercial TV Just Keeps Getting Suckier

2007-01-12T04:34:00.000-05:00

So 2007 is to be the beginning of what? It's tend of channels 2 through 13 as I see it. And the people in charge of the airwaves, the FCC, have seen fit to give this bandwidth to Broadband and Cell Phones. Well I wasn’t asked and I’ll bet a dollar to a doughnut that about ten million people across the United States that use their antenna atop their house were not asked either.

As I understood, “Commercial TV” was set up as a free service so that the commercials that interrupted the shows that played on it paid for those shows. So now they want us to pay them again? Commercials on TV have always sucked, plain and simple, but now the advertisers, along with the FCC, are taking control of our lives and people are just sitting back and taking this crap. There used to be a fine line between cable TV and Commercial TV and now they’re beginning to mix. Here are a couple of examples:

A) Not long ago there was only Robert Osborne in between each movie on TCM, now there’s commercials and he's got a helper too. the helper is ok but we do not need commercials self-seving or not.
B) They used to go directly to each movie on a “PAY CHANNEL” and now we all have to watch these stupid self-serving commercials, on a pay station!
C) As stated above, and I can’t stress this enough, commercial TV was set up as a free service so that the commercials that ran on it paid for the content. So why is cable TV running commercials when we all pay for cable TV? We are being double billed people, wake up!!

You see, who ever is in charge is counting on YOU and me just shining this on or letting this fly over our heads. It’s time that someone do something and at least I can start by letting people know. Next up, Carburetors and how we can all get 60 to 70 miles to a gallon again, if you have the guts!

That was the Lazlo Report for January 1st, 2007

The First Of Many Today

2007-01-12T04:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry to say that my Blog got errased but I'm back at it and I am Mass Posting today every post that got errased as well as the post for Friday, the 11th.

I am really sorry for all of the replay....I really am.

Lazlo T. Hofstedder

The Lazlo Report

Hello, who’s there? Hhmm wrong number

Dion Cole

Wally Mart

More on Idol Trouble

The Lazlo Report: He's a Maniac and he is Al Gore

He's a Maniac and he is Al Gore

Bartender Beaten

A Life In The Day

Valerie Plame is a what

The Inconvenient bull

Citgo Gas Report - March 2007

Thompson for President

American Idol Too

American Idol is Rigged, in My Opinion

No More Scandal 4 The DNC

Joke Page 2

Dog Tripper

Lazlo on the MPAA

Anna Nicole & Lazlo's Prediction

Will Marc Dann Surprise Us More?

Lazlo On Anna Nicole

Some Day’s It Just Does, Oh Yeah, The Bank of America Deal

What We're really Fighting For In Afghanistan

The Joke Page

One For The Troops

My Epiphany

The War is Getting Even More Local

Lazlo on the Beatles into the 12st Century

A Declaration of Independence to All and to All a Goodnight

American Press International Reports on The Lazlo Report.

(Hebrews 11.1) It's Called Faith

Somebody Is Taking Away the Seven Deadly Sins and it Pisses Me Off but again Jesus Christ Doesn’t Speak English

Fixing Immigration and Social Security all at the Same Time

Big Tobacco is Bad Business

The Unusual Suspect

I Just Have To Get Away From It Sometime

This Is The Real Illegal Problem

Telling it like it is

More on the Nazi Problem

When Did The Rules Change?

What’s wrong with today’s schools top scoring and the students not understanding their assignments?

Ode to the Helms Bakery Man

From Noah to the Nazis, Who Would’a Figgered?

So I’ll Play Devil’s Advocate On The Death Tax

More on Commercial TV

My Parents Aren’t Rich

Giving Whoopi Airtime

Mom Can Still Tell A Killer Story

Working For The I.A.T.S.E. Union At Age 19 In The 1970's

Commercial TV Just Keeps Getting Suckier

The First Of Many Today