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A Very Short Story
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, Old Hag!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought For the Day: If only men would listen...
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WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Wednesday, March 21, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays ---
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places and Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost ---
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To BeLate.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Why We Love Our Children and Why We’d
Love to Ring Their Neck’s Sometimes
1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies crabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What did he do?"
7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "
9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is
even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at
work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won:
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what
we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water
heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It
heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to
the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing
in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could
reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at
the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt
was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
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An absolute must read for parents and educators!!!!! SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE This is hilarious - no wonder why the liberal people in California
were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (in California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are now being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes which is ridicules in itself!!
This is the outgoing message: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection;
Press 1 To lie about why your child is absent
Press 10 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work
Press 2 To complain about what we do
Press 3 To swear at staff members
Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you
Press 5 If you want us to raise your child
Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone
Press 7 To request another teacher, for the third time this year
Press 8 To complain about bus transportation
Press 9 To complain about school lunches
Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class
work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
I think they should have added "Oh yeah and If you want this in Spanish, don't press # or * , because you're probably in the wrong country anyway." I think this message should be used nation wide and if pisses people off, GOOD!
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Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
"Hello?"
"Hi honey This is Daddy
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy She's upstairs in the
bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey,
you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it, Daddy."
“And what happened, honey?" He asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser. And now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
*******Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? ............Is this 486-5731?"
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Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Whichhuman body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and ya 'll
get fired!" She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around
her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore
her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy Bossard stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is
the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy, that's correct.!”
Then she turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I
have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed
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